I watch terrible movies so you don't have to #14: King Kung Fu

A Grade-Z chuckler where a gorilla trained in kung-fu travels to America and is forced atop the tallest building in Wichita, Kansas. Features gorilla-themed slapstick, Coors beer can pyramids, waxed mustaches, wood paneling, Pizza Hut waitresses, pink fuzzy rear-view mirror dice, customized vans and many snazzy sport-coats. Racially and culturally offensive, laugh-free, and loaded with stale knee-slappers Vaudeville or the Keystone Kops would've rejected as corny. Burdened with a distracting Benny Hill meets Charlie's Angels soundtrack containing muted "stripper" trumpet, slide whistles, sad trombones, and whatever makes that "boi-oi-oinnng" sound often heard in Roadrunner cartoons. Also noted for having many location shots of scenic Wichita from the 70's when I couldn't imagine it looked its best. Did you know Wichita has a theme song, and it's not by Glen Campbell? Neither did I. Approximately 95% kung-fu free. So insipid I think I've shortened my lifespan by watching this film. On Netflix Instant Streaming.

I watch terrible movies so you don't have to #13: Vampire's Ghost

I can imagine how the pitch went to get this film made. Two movie executives were talking. One executive would've said to the other, "I have a great idea for a movie. A guy in a white suit walks around Africa awhile, there's a bunch of jungle drums, then this chick in a gypsy outfit does a dance involving at least one back-bend in a dancehall/casino while someone else plays a concertina, then there'll be a badly choreographed fight scene, then a whole bunch of other guys sit around in wicker furniture wearing pith helmets. We'll call it The Vampire's Ghost." The other guy would've scratched his chin thoughtfully, then replied, "That's sounds like a swell idea. But shouldn't it have at least one vampire in it? Or maybe a ghost?" Then the other executive would've certainly replied, "No". On Netflix Instant Streaming.

I watch terrible movies so you don't have to #12: House Of Shadows

A woman walks her poodle along a darkened leaf-strewn alley when she loses control of the dog, which then high-tails it to the nearest haunted mansion it can find, presumably in search of Scooby Snacks. Suddenly; shaky camerawork, wooden acting, awkward dubbing, amateurish direction, drunken film editing and cutesie-pie poodle coddling happens. A thinly disguised rip-off of Hitchcock's "Rebecca" for a few minutes but draped in huge quantities of dust and cobwebs, I wish I could pinpoint where it goes off the rails. Probably the opening credits. Who the hell knows? This film is so incoherent I have very little idea what everyone was doing, especially the director and editor. Bewildering, gaffe-tastic, and LOL-inducing. On Netflix Instant Streaming.

I watch terrible movies so you don't have to #11: Omoo-Omoo The Shark God

With a title like that, how could you go wrong? Very. A bunch of sailors in high-waisted pants journey to an island, some pearls get stolen or something, some islanders stand around in sarongs wielding spears and sometimes speak a little broken English while partially obscured by jungle foliage, and I want to murder myself. 97% shark-god free. I watched it from a scratched, grainy and overly contrasty print that was released on the Mill Creek DVD set mistakenly titled "Cult Classics", but you probably shouldn't.

Sometimes a good one sneaks in #3: Withnail And I

Two acerbic unemployed actors leave London for an inebriated holiday in the country. Hysterical, witty, drunken arguments occur. The cinematography, acting, screenplay and art direction are all brilliant. Endlessly quotable. There's a drinking game associated with this film; unfortunately, if you were to attempt to keep up with Withnail drink for drink (including the lighter fluid), you would surely die. Safety first. I watched it on the Criterion DVD, and you should, too. Sorry, you can't borrow mine. Brand new, it'll set you back around $50 on Ebay.

BTW, Bruce Robinson, the writer and director of this film, directs his first movie in 19 years with The Rum Diary out late 2011. It stars Johnny Depp, and is based on the Hunter S. Thompson novel.

I watch terrible movies so you don't have to #10: Wake

A squeaky-voiced young woman goes to funerals, there's a misunderstanding, and high jinks ensue. Completely dreadful from beginning to end. Like an overlong Kay Jewelers commercial, where Jane Seymour jams her Open Hearts Collection down your throat for 90 minutes while an acoustic guitar is limply strummed, and there's no way to escape. No, really. Jane Seymour wears her signature jewelry collection in the film, and damn it, she's not going to let you forget it. On Netflix Instant Streaming.

I watch terrible movies so you don't have to #9: Before And After

An average court-room drama featuring 'pathetic pandering parents' (I'm quoting my wife, who's very pleased with her alliteration), where everyone stands around in cardigans and acts their face off, well, nearly everyone but the zombified actress playing the younger sister who sleep-walks through the narration, and not much else happens. Actually, a few zombies would've livened things up a bit. Painfully average, so much so you'd have a hard time telling it apart from any other film of its ilk. On Netflix Instant Streaming.