Frankenstein Island

4 corny guys in a hot-air balloon land on an island, and suddenly there's John Carradine super-imposed on the screen like one of those romantic photo portraits with someone's face in a wineglass. Like this:

Only worse. And with John Carradine.

Then suddenly, there's jungle bikini chicks. It's not very good. Then suddenly, there's dancing. It's not very good or brief. Then some pirates show up I think, and I'm only theorizing they're pirates because one of them wears an eye-patch. Then someone uses a skull for a bong. Then there's a brain under glass. It's not very good. Then suddenly, there are zombies I think, and I'm only guessing they're zombies because they're all hunched over and wearing turtleneck sweaters which is the officially unrecognized uniform of the walking dead, possibly. Then there's some kung fu, kind of, then I stopped caring about life, and the movies ends. Yeah.

I watched Frankenstein Island on youtube, and it's completely amazing if you're amazed by stuff that sucks. Here's a clip:

Tintorera

A shark attacks once or twice in this Speedo-y soft-core shark attack piano jazz disco nightmare. Because the film is partially in Spanish, I'm not sure what exactly happens; but from what I can discern the plot consists of two wild-and-crazy-guys putting the make on anything that moves and sometimes there's a shark. After about 3 months of tepid bell-bottomed romance, someone is finally eaten by a shark while skinny-dipping. It's not very interesting, and reminiscent of The Love Boat.  With sharks. Filled with actual dead sharks, chunks of actual dead sharks, actual dead turtles, and cheesy jazz; this film is not for animal activists, music lovers, or anyone. I watched Tintorera on youtube. Here's a NSFW trailer. I would avoid it:

She-Wolf Of London

Dr. Maureen Robinson from Last In Space stars in this Victorian she-wolf film where very few of the actors have English accents. Featuring enormous hats, jodhpurs, warm milk, and very few she-wolves; very little happens, although it isn't bad to look at if you really like watching overly mannered Victorians open and close doors. Someone somehow gets their throat torn out, which was pretty cool; but upon reflection I can't figure out how that happened. I don't think it really matters. I watched She-Wolf Of London on youtube. Here's a trailer:

Last Woman On Earth

Three insufferable bores find they're the last three people on Earth in this apocalyptic film, and you kind of wish no one ever invented scuba diving so the unnamed menace that smothers everyone on the planet could've finished the job. There's cockfights and craps, the world ends, people talk about stuff for an hour, there's a boring love triangle, then someone gets slapped with a fish. Then it ends. It's pretty much a rip-off of The Last Man On Earth, only much worse. I truly wish I never watched it, but I did. Live and learn, I guess. I watched Last Woman On Earth on youtube. Here's a trailer:

Beginning Of The End

Suddenly, there's giant vegetables. I'm not sure why. Then there's Peter Graves, but it's not very scary. Then suddenly, there's giant grasshoppers, but it's not very scary. Then giant grasshoppers climb what appears to be a picture of a skyscraper in Chicago, which isn't very scary and is actually kind of LOL-worthy. Beginning Of The End is quite awful, and it's recommended if you like watching the same 3 clips of rear-projection giant grasshoppers played over and over, Peter Graves, or stuff that sucks. I watched Beginning Of The End on youtube. Here's a trailer:

The Giant Behemoth

I was completely ready to crack on this film. The title makes me laugh, and I don't know why. Anyway, it's nicely shot with deep focus photography, and I was very concerned that I accidentally started watching a good movie and my world was turned upside down. But then suddenly someone finds a throbbing merengue on the beach, and I'm like, oh ok, that's what we're doing and everything was back to normal. Near the end of the movie a rubber stop-motion behemoth attacks, and thousands flee covered in radiation burns, which was pretty cool. Should you watch it? It's your call. I watched The Giant Behemoth on youtube. Here's a trailer:

Monster On The Campus

The radioactive liquid from a defrosting coelacanth reverts dogs and scientists to their murderous prehistoric ancestors, sort of, in this cheesy film. So there's 30-year old teenagers, rubber coelacanths, dogs with prosthetic teeth, beakers, test tubes, a two-foot long dragonfly, and a disturbing lack of actual science. It's not very interesting. When the Monster On The Campus finally appears, he looks a little like what would happen after an unfortunate blind date between Roddy McDowell in Planet Of The Apes and the Creature Of The Black Lagoon after a few bottles of wine. Ick. I watched Monster On The Campus on youtube. Here's a trailer: