Leptirica

There's some vampiric stuff going down at the old mill in this classic made-for-Yugoslavian-TV horror film. It's stylish, comic, and creepy. I very much enjoyed the folk costumes with their curlicued shoes. I'm not going to mention much more, but the film's ending is out of control. Honestly, you don't see something like that every day. It's a little slow-moving, quiet, and subtitled; but those things shouldn't stop you from checking it out. I watched Leptirica on Youtube. Here's a clip:

The Rats Are Coming! The Werewolves Are Here!

A family does stuff in this Andy Milligan disaster of a film. I would like to describe the plot in more detail, but it's impossible as I have no idea what this film is about. Someone sets someone else on fire, then someone throws several chickens. Then someone dances with a large rabbit, and someone throws more chickens. Then someone dismembers a chicken, and stabs a rodent. Then someone throws more chickens. A more fitting title would be "We've Thrown A Chicken!", but Mr. Milligan didn't ask me my opinion. Other than poultry flinging; there's "acting", terrible editing, shaky camera-work, terrible blocking, and muffled dialogue. It's also very, very boring. I watched The Rats Are Coming! The Werewolves Are Here! on Youtube, and I should have known better. Here's a trailer:

Killdozer

An unconvincing meteor gently lands on an unconvincing matte painting of the Earth, which then transforms an ordinary bulldozer into a slowly moving and unconvincingly sneaky killing machine in this made-for-TV thriller where Robert Urich doesn't get top billing. So, Robert Urich's character is killed off in like 5 minutes, and one of the other supporting characters seems unusually distraught about it for some reason and wistfully reminisces about the time they went skinny-dipping. Then the rest of the cast allows this very large, slow-moving, and extremely noisy machine to stalk and kill them because they just can't seem to out-think or out-run it.

It could happen.

Killdozer is an awful lot like Stephen King's Christine, only without the boy/car love affair and a lot more Killdozers. OK, so there's only one Killdozer, but I really like saying Killdozer.

KILLDOZER!

I watched Killdozer on Youtube, and it's recommended if you like stuff that sucks or Killdozers.

Sorry, there doesn't seem to be a trailer.

Varan The Unbelievable

A jerky military guy attempts to desalinate a Japanese lake which annoys the monster living in its depths in this Giant Monster film that seems to be fashioned from chunks of other movies. Sadly, the chunks that have the jerky military guy in it aren't very good. There's bad editing, theremin, and a complete disregard for the scientific method. Also, the monster seems to be a guy dressed in a rubber tuatara suit. I'm sure it was expensive and difficult to acquire. I watched Varan The Unbelievable on Youtube, and it was awfully boring. Here's a trailer:

I Was A Teenage Frankenstein

A man builds a teenaged monster in this teenaged monster film. After a convenient and fiery car crash outside his laboratory, Dr. Frankenstein brings home a cadaver and no one seems to mind. Then Dr. Frankenstein and his girlfriend go to the local make-out point for some reason. After someone says, "If you breed morons, you beget morons." and "It's my own private morgue.", Dr. Frankenstein says to his newly fabricated muscular monster, "We need to be concerned about your physique.". I'm sure all of that is just fine. Then the creature lifts weights while his head is still bandaged, which also seems fine. The creature is your typical teenager; which means he's 30 years old, pouts a lot, lives in his creator's basement, wears a tight shirt, and has a head that looks like it was crudely fashioned out of papier-mache. After some more plot has happened, Dr. Frankenstein and his future bride have a lovey-dovey moment; and by that I mean she finds out Dr. F has built a muscular teenaged murderer and then Dr. F convinces his girl to go buy her own engagement ring. While she's admiring her new bling, Dr. F feeds her to his laboratory alligator because people often have those. Then he brings Teenage Frankenstein to Make-Out Point, as if you totally didn't see that coming. I watched I Was A Teenage Frankenstein on Youtube, and it's recommended if you like stuff that sucks. Here's a trailer:

Moonrise Kingdom

Precocious children do quirky things in this artfully directed film. All the Wes Anderson hallmarks are here: Long, impeccably-crafted, symmetrical dolly shots. Deep focus shots of fields where everyone walks in formation. Claustrophobic, dollhouse-like sets. Stagey direction. Stylized, artificial nostalgia. Hank Williams and Benjamin Britten's music as narrative. Stylized close-ups that look like Grant Wood's 'American Gothic' art directed by J. Crew and utilizing a tasteful color palette by Martha Stewart and eyewear by Warby Parker. An extravagant theater production. And let's not forget Bill Murray.

Moonrise Kingdom is a lovely and charming fable where everyone is far more interesting, eloquent, academic, creative, and intelligent than anyone has ever been ever, sort of like like they were pulled from an apparel catalog or a home-decor magazine. Unfortunately, I don't think they exist in real life. Planet Earth should be a rich, autumnal, well-photographed, and lyrical Wes Anderson adventure filled with odd and fascinating people all the time. It would be a beautiful place. I watched Moonrise Kingdom in an actual theater, and someone behind me kicked my chair the entire time causing my head to bounce around like I was riding the bumper cars. I somehow found the strength within me to let him continue living. I'm very proud of me. Here's a trailer:

Bronson

Tom Hardy gives a howling, screaming, spitting, frothing, drooling, and cackling performance in this film loosely based on "England's most violent prisoner". Bronson is inventively shot, extremely violent, and features music by Scott Walker, New Order, and Pet Shop Boys. I found it to be a very funny and disturbing film. It's not at all surprising Tom Hardy has been cast as super-villain Bane in The Dark Knight Rises. I watched Bronson on Netflix. Here's a trailer: