Vacation...

I'm taking a couple of days off. I'm somewhere around a half a dozen movie reviews behind, and I'm somewhere in the United States having exciting and offbeat adventures. I'm sorry if that makes you upset (not really), but you're just going to have to wait. Maybe you should go on vacation so you can relax, too. In the meantime, enjoy the Go-Go's:

Jennifer

A woman becomes caretaker of a mansion where another female caretaker mysteriously vanishes in this noir-like thriller. Filled with stark lighting, lengthy shadows cast along walls, beams of sunlight streaming through trees, and long corridors; it's well-shot and visually inventive. The main character starts adding up the clues; and of course someone is usually quick to say, "Oh, I wouldn't worry about it.", which is generally cause for worry especially when everyone starts thinking you're crazy. Sadly, the ending is very disappointing. I watched Jennifer on Youtube. Sorry, but there doesn't seem to be a trailer.

It's Alive

Two bickering overdressed New Yorkers have car trouble in rural Missouri when they meet up with Tommy Kirk, and, uh, well...how could that possibly sound like it's a good idea at all? Seriously though, if you're in a movie and Tommy Kirk shows up you should probably be very concerned. There's either going to be a lot of swimwear or twisting or googly-eyed monsters, and that rarely turns out alright. Especially if there's not one but two instances of voiceover narration. There's no excuse for that. I watched It's Alive on Youtube. There doesn't seem to be a trailer so here's a clip of frantic twisting courtesy of Annette Funicello:

4 Half-Assed Reviews

Due to circumstances beyond my control (sloth, ennui, procrastination, snacks), I watched 4 films and didn't review them.

Shallow Grave: After they realize their new flatmate hasn't left his room for several days, three caustic and amoral flatmates become concerned in this Scottish thriller. I've seen it before, and I liked it. I watched it on DVD. Here's a trailer:

Guru The Mad Monk: People stand around outside a church and talk with New York accents while wearing unconvincing period clothing in this poorly made film. That's pretty much it. There's a decapitation, and someone's hands get cut off, and a sign that says "The Lost Souls Of Moravia" someone taped over the church's actual sign is peeling off, and it's all very boring. Here's a trailer:

Crippled Masters: Um, yeah. It was offensive and awful.

Morons From Outer Space: Honestly, I didn't pay much attention to this one. I was eating a Stouffer's Macaroni And Cheese and couldn't be stopped. Then I had some blackberry pie with vanilla ice cream. From what I remember, it was reminiscent of Dr. Who or Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, only with some dodgy American accents.

Thanks for your patience during this difficult time.

Mad Doctor Of Blood Island

A mad doctor creates zombies with green blood in this poorly made film. What I found to be most interesting about this film is the fact the cameraman/cinematographer/director decided it would be a great idea to have the camera zoom in and out frantically whenever something scary happens. Why did they do that? It was the wrong choice, but it's too late now to do anything about it. Anyway, there's lots of unconvincing fleeing, unconvincing spear throwing, unconvincing erotic dancing by torchlight, unconvincing hysteria while clinging to jungle foliage, unconvincing entrails, an unconvincing tomb snake, an unconvincing plywood coffin, and an unconvincing monster that looks like a lumbering Caesar salad. There are also many leis, lots of false eyelashes, lots of plunging necklines, and some unfortunate animal cruelty. I watched Mad Doctor Of Blood Island on Youtube, and it was pretty lousy. Here's a trailer:

In The Year 2889

A man and his daughter attempt to survive in their mansion after a nuclear holocaust in this poorly-made film. There's wooden acting, shaky camera-work, a couple of bikinis, a "spooky" swimming pool, a drawing of a mutant chipmunk, mutant cannibalistic zombies with papier-mache faces, and someone says, "I need fresh meat.", and that seems fine. It's really not as interesting as it sounds, but I'm not going to talk you out of watching it. I watched In The Year 2889 on Youtube. Here's a trailer:

National Lampoon's Vacation

One of my children came home from college over the weekend, and in preparation for an upcoming road trip I decided to show her the classic summer film Vacation. She was less than impressed. She rolled her eyes and said "It was interesting." in that way that she does when I do something that old people do. That's fine.

I've been looking at Yahoo Maps to try and figure out how the Griswold's got lost in East St. Louis. It's a mystery. It was daytime when they arrived downtown near Memorial Drive heading west on 70, so that means they had to double back east-bound then head south and arrive there at night 2 miles away. Maybe they stopped at the Wax Museum at Laclede's Landing or grabbed a pizza and some toasted ravioli from Imo's or went in search of a gooey butter cake and that footage ended up on the cutting room floor. I don't know, but that's what I would have done.

Anyway, since I'm old and a dad and I often go on road trips, I can relate to poor Clark Griswold. I'm often in search of gigantic balls of string or houses made of mud. That's why you go on road trips.

I watched National Lampoon's Vacation on pay-per-view. Here's a trailer: