The Amityville Horror
Oh no. Someone replaced my image of an inspirational quote with a rustic sign created from recycled pallets emblazoned with the inspirational quote "Live Laugh Love", and I'm feeling slightly woozy, and it certainly does not go with my personal home decor esthetic, which has been described as "dim", "cave-like", "a discount perpetual seance", and "like a morose gothic circus filled with possessed marionettes", and those quotes were from my own children.
Ah, that's more like it. Anyway, let's try this again.
Okeedoke. So, Barbra Streisand's husband and Superman's girlfriend have either the best or worst real estate agent of all time. I mean, the real estate agent suggests that the "charming" Colonial, with 3 full bedrooms, a spacious kitchen with original hardware, 3 floors plus a basement and an attic which could be converted into a playroom, a wood-burning fireplace, a sunporch, and a cottage and boathouse, says it's "a fixer-upper that could be fun!". I have my doubts about that. Lemme break this down in excruciating detail.
Before we begin that bit, if you've been following my blog, and for crying out loud, why would you do such a thing? I rarely have anything nice to say. Anyway, you'll know that I recently sold Deathrage Tower and downsized, and I can feel for the poor Lutzes, because I also moved into a place that needed a bit of TLC. Now the house the Lutzes were moving into had a lot more problems than mine had. For instance, I abruptly stopped the previous owners from installing a laminate countertop and insisted they put in black granite, while the Lutzes needed to give their house a good scrub from top to bottom.
Far be it from me to judge, you know. It is certainly not my place to criticize the way someone keeps house, but the Lutzes need to crack open a fresh bottle of cleanser and apply a little elbow grease or a blowtorch to those grimy light switches and doorknobs. I would have pointed out every bit of grime and would not have signed off on the final walkthrough until it was spotless.
Seriously, would you just look at that wallpaper? Yikes. Tear it all down. And don't get me started on that wall of tacky gold-gilt mirrors in the bedroom. It could be easily painted over. Might I suggest Pantone's Colors of The Year? The gray will be a nice neutral base palette, and the yellow would lighten the atmosphere of the house and give it a touch of needed cheer.
And they really have a tough situation as far as indoor pests go.
It could happen to anyone. During our house hunt, we found a place we really liked, but there was a visible mousetrap in the cellar. I walked away from the negotiations. Don't misunderstand me, I'm glad I saw it. But the house should have been properly staged for sale, and it should have been sparkling clean. Your house inspector would be helpful in letting you know if you have a vermin problem before you move in, and a nice interior decorator could help you choose curtains that will keep the neighbors and passersby from seeing you in your delicates.
To be certain there were no errant odors when staging my old home for sale, I made sure all our fabrics were freshly laundered, floors were mopped, and surfaces wiped down. I used an oil diffuser to fill the house with a light scent reminiscent of baked goods, and vases with fresh flowers were in most rooms.
Toilet troubles are no laughing matter. A couple of weeks after we moved in, the downstairs toilet seal started leaking. Having done a little minor plumbing fixes in my time, I rolled out to the home improvement store and purchased a new valve kit. Unbeknownst to me, there are two types, and we have the Mansfield type. I know, right? It would have been helpful to know beforehand so I could have saved myself two trips. So when doing these kinds of repairs, make sure you know which type you have before you drive out to save yourself some time. Another helpful hint, wear gloves when installing a new valve kit, because a degraded seal can stain your hands.
And finally, stains can be difficult to remove. A little hydrogen peroxide can remove a lot of tough stains, particularly in high-traffic areas like stairways.
So I hope these tips will help you if you're selling your home or looking to buy, and will help you solve some of those tough situations that arise after you move in.
Oops, I totally forgot I'm not Norm Abram, and I'm supposed to be reviewing The Amityville Horror. If I had a nickel for every time that happened, I'd have 35 cents. Anyway, like the Lutz's decor, it was pretty lousy.
Thanks again to ReelWeegieMidgetReviews for allowing me to participate in the Home Sweet Home Blogathon! Stay tuned for the Joan Collins Blogathon later this year!
I never know what to expect when I read one of your reviews, and that's what makes them great. I love your juxtaposition of house-hunting/repairing woes with The Amityville Horror. Hey, it works for me. Fun review!
ReplyDeleteThanks Barry! As always, you're so kind. Like I mentioned on Twitter, the past few months I've been going through a career change. It was difficult to finish this post, and it was difficult to conjure up some humor when I've been distracted with job stuff. Maybe I'll do a serious post about it when the dust settles, but I'm not very fluent in serious.
DeleteI love that you ramble in your reviews thats what make them so much fun. And I feel better as I too tend to go off on a tangent and usually gitter about Dallas. Speaking of which my browser is now slowly getting closer to your name when I search for your blog, you are now Stanford Deathenrage... But through this I discovered youve made a book on your ramblings which I duly ordered. Anyway, thanks for your always readable quirky post (and Brownie points for being on time).
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for everything! Here's the story about my pseudonym. Mrs. Deathrage is a long-distance runner, in fact, everyone in my family runs but me. She enjoys watching track and field events. There was a runner whose last name was Deatherage, and I said to my wife while throwing the heavy metal hand symbol, "That's the most heavy metal name I've ever heard, DEATHRAGE!". She said, "There's an e in it", and I said, "Not anymore. It just needs a $5 Ivy League first name", so I added a B to Stanford.
ReplyDeleteLove this movie and your perfect take on it - and your wry sense of humor as always! (and those embroidered samplers and pillows with heartwarming phrases are indeed the height of camp, in my opinion!)
ReplyDeleteThanks! I believe that if you want to own a pillow that says, "Follow Your Bliss", then own it. If that's your bliss, then follow it. I have an ornate, handmade, embroidered wallhanging that says, "Don't make me kill you", so who am I to judge?
DeleteA fun post, but like the Amityville horror, it leaves me with one question.
ReplyDeleteWhy would anyone in their right mind want to buy a house?
I mean, along with the problems you described, the owner has to mow the lawn, rake the leaves and shovel snow. I don't see the appeal, especially if there's also demonic entities present.
Thanks! That's a good question, and it's one I don't have an answer for. Personally, the raking, mowing, and shoveling is a small cost if I can play music as loud as I want with no one to complain. Trust me, I don't want a neighbor knocking on the door because I think I'm listening to some very loud, dope jams but they think I've pushed a motorcycle down a flight of stairs.
ReplyDeleteAhhhh, this review is so cool. I keep hearing about Amityville Horror but have never seen it, and now I'm sold. Well, on the movie part, anyway. Thanks again for joining the blogathon!
ReplyDeleteThanks for inviting me!
ReplyDelete