A ship sails in search of Cthulhu in this inaccurate documentary.
I'm going to have to stop this review right here because the film-makers got the whole thing wrong. They didn't have to charter a boat and sail half-way to who-knows-where to find Cthulhu because he's listed in the telephone book. All you have to do is give him a call. He lives in a crappy one-bedroom apartment in Miskatonik, Massachusetts and he's so behind the times he still has a land-line. We went to school together, and he's not all that. I just laugh whenever I see some new cult has developed around him, because he wasn't very popular in school and was a C student.
Don't tell him I said this, but he had a really tough time during the recession. He lost a lot of money in some real estate investments and his chain of restaurants, Cthulhu's Gourmet Corndogs, went out of business. His gold-digging wife kicked him to the curb, and he defaulted on his condo. He spent a few months sleeping on my couch while he got his act together, and it was two of the worst months of my life. He doesn't pick up after himself and couldn't wash a dish to save his life; so remember that when you all are sacrificing goats to the "Mighty Cthulhu". You certainly wouldn't think very highly of him after you've seen him in his boxers and white t-shirt with the stained armpits that's covered in Cheeto crumbs and he hasn't changed them in 6 days. Every square inch of my penthouse was covered in half-empty Red Bull cans and cardboard moving boxes. I'm not sure how I survived.
I spent the majority of the evening last night trying to sort out my Netflix queue, which they now call a list. I assume they changed it because people didn't know what a queue was. Way to dumb things down for everyone, Netflix. I wonder how many people wrote a letter to Netflix and said, "Hey Netflix, why don't you speak American and stop confusing us with words that start with the letter q?" and Netflix said "Sure, that sound reasonable and not at all crazy." and changed it.
So now I have two lists, one for me and one for Mrs. Deathrage, and I'm trying to sort out whose movies are whose. I have to figure out who put Endless Love in the queue, I mean list (it was me), and who put Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band in the queue (that was me, too), and who put Happy Gilmore in the queue (I have no idea). Actually, it looks like 87% of Mrs. Deathrage's queue is actually mine, so it would probably be easier just switching names on them.
I decided to watch the episode of Kolchak: The Night Stalker called The Knightly Murders where our rumpled, straw hatted, spazzy, reporter hero Kolchak investigates the murders of people trying to close down a museum and turn it into a disco. You know, that's not really a bad idea. Museums should behave more like a disco than a museum. It would be a lot more fun. Anyway, a knight goes around smashing people's heads in with a mace, and someone says, "Everyone only wants elevator shoes and karate lessons" which sounds right I guess, and someone else claims that they were going to redecorate David Bowie's house, which sounds like a dangerous proposition because of all the codpieces.
A chunk of space debris crashes into a New York City street and creates a man-hole sized crater which seems plausible and then CGI spiders jump out of the wreckage in this nonsensical monster movie. So the spiders lay eggs in people which doesn't quite seem right, and then everyone hunts for the queen spider egg which also seems a little suspicious, and then I realize that the film-makers don't seem to understand spiders very well, even if the spiders are outer space laboratory spiders that grow to enormous and uninteresting size.
Something about this movie bothered me, and I couldn't put my finger on it. The New York City streets in the film seemed a little bit weird. They looked like New York City; with nondescript graffiti everywhere, and extras wandering around aimlessly who speak oddly wooden, disaffected lines of dialogue, and shop signs hung on New York-type buildings that read "Deli" and "Art Gallery" and "Bistro", and then it suddenly hit me.
My wife and I went shopping yesterday to the Target. They've started putting out the Halloween items. Here's a photo:
This is a photo of the pegboard where all the Halloween items are not displayed. Target is currently a Halloween wasteland. What the heck's the hold-up, people? I don't have all day. However, I did manage to purchase another couple of packages of Halloween Oreos. I put them in the cart, and Mrs. Deathrage's head whipped around and she demanded to know what I was doing. I said I was going to buy some more Oreos. Suddenly her head burst into flames, the sky got dark as ominous clouds rolled in, the Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse looked up from what they were doing, she pointed her finger at me and screamed, "PUT THEM BACK!!!" in a very deep, frightening voice. I refused, and then things got really scary.
She said, "OK".
I don't know what that means, but I'm wary.
Anyway, they had the DVD of Sharknado for the very reasonable price of $9.99. I was going to put them on top of the 8 packages of Halloween Oreos that were now in the cart. Her head whipped around again and I decided not to press my luck. I put it back on the shelf.
When we got home, I saw that I-Tunes had Sharknado available to stream for $4.99. I paid for the download, and Mrs. Deathrage's head spun around again like it was on some sort of swivel. I said, "Honey, I have to. It's important."
Then things got really scary. She said "OK". AGAIN! I don't know what the heck is happening, but it couldn't be good.
So we watched Snarknado as a family, and everyone enjoyed it. I'm not going to review it here, but I will in my 2nd book which is now temporarily entitled Stabford Deathrage Battles The Creeping Terror At His High School Reunion (No, It's Not The Creeping Terror's High School Reunion, It's Stabford's) but that might be too long to put on a dust jacket. Anyway, you can buy my first book at Amazon for the low price of $5, which is half the price of a Sharknado DVD and about the price of 2 packs of Halloween Oreos because my second book isn't ready yet. It's a good value.
Murderous women wearing Foster Grants and suggestive lab coats cover other women in bee-attracting marshmallow fluff which turns them into murderous women with black pupils wearing Foster Grants and suggestive lab coats in this 70s bee girl film. That's all I remember, because I fell asleep several times. I do know that original Price Is Right model Anitra Ford was one of the more evil bee girls, and she was in the television movie Wonder Woman starring Cathy Lee Crosby.
Sorry, but someone replaced my clip of Cathy Lee Crosby as Wonder Woman with this clip of Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman, only she transforms her regular outfit into an underwater diving outfit so she can dive in the Bermuda Triangle, or what is otherwise known as a regular swimming pool.
Oh wait, here it is. This clip features Cathy Lee Crosby co-starring with a burro. I'm not sure why.
I've been very busy the past week or so, and I haven't had the time to watch as many movies as I'm accustomed to. Since Labor Day just happened, which is the official death of summer and the opening weekend of Halloween, I've been scouring the countryside for Halloween related items. I realize that many people don't like seeing Halloween items up so early, and those people are wrong. Halloween decorations should be up year round. In fact, most holidays could be easily replaced with Halloween. Instead of handing out valentines on Valentine's Day, hang up skeleton lights, eat miniature candy bars, and carve a pumpkin. Instead of the shooting off fireworks on the 4th Of July, hang up skeleton lights, eat miniature candy bars, and carve a pumpkin. Use your imagination and go wild.
Anyway, the products celebrating the most wonderful time of the year are starting to find their way to the sales-floor. I found these at Target:
They are a pale substitute for the most evil of all sandwich cookies, Halloween Oreos, but they'll do in a pinch. Speaking of Halloween Oreos, I purchased a decoy pack of The Most Evil Cookie and left it out for the family to devour in 14 seconds, and hid a second pack to enjoy while the family is asleep while watching monster movies. Sure enough, in 14 seconds the decoy pack was gone. I'll have to go get a couple more packages, you know, just to be safe, because once the Halloween Oreos are gone from shelves, it's an agonizing year filled with awful non-Halloween holidays until Halloween rolls around again in September.
Anyway, I've been watching movies, but I lost a couple of notebooks filled with the notes I took for my insightful movie reviews everyone is so fond of. When you have a billion of those little notebooks, they're easy to lose. I have a stack of them on my desk next to my voodoo candles, skulls, and pens, and I'm not sure which ones I used last. So I'm going to go ahead a wing the following reviews on memory alone. Wish me luck!
From what I recall, in the film Warning Shadows someone throws a pervy, boring dinner party where everyone is on the make for this one chick, and the ennui becomes so stultifying they resort to making hand shadows on the wall to entertain themselves. Everyone looks at each other out of the corner of their eye in a suspicious manner, then everyone dies, but then doesn't. This happens for 90 minutes.
Yes. Nailed it.
With Great Power: The Stan Lee Story is a fairly entertaining documentary about the comic book mogul. It's informative, touching and funny, but somewhat fawning. His wife is very charming, and they seem to have a great relationship. Also, there was something or other about superheroes.
2 for 2! I'm on a roll!
The Achievers: The Story Of The Lebowski Fans is a documentary about the cult fandom surrounding the now semi-classic Coen Brothers film. I liked The Big Lebowski; but if I recall correctly, wasn't it one very obscure dick joke? I don't recall, but I think it was. I don't have a problem with dick jokes, I'm just checking.
Yes, nailed it again.
The Last Will And Testament Of Rosalind Leigh is the story of a man who returns to his childhood home to find it's haunted and decorated in what could only be described as Drabby Chic or possibly Martha Stewart Home Decorating: The Cemetery Collection. Not that I have a problem with decorating your home with a million creepy figurines and headstones. I love it, and like I said, it should be done year round. Some people have a problem with it, and those people are wrong.
Tor Johnson, Bela Lugosi, Lon Chaney, John Carradine and Basil Rathbone star in this mad scientist horror film, and it almost seems like they were running a sale on horror film actors, and in order to cast Basil Rathbone you had to take the other four. Tor, Bela and Lon aren't allowed speaking roles in the film, and John Carradine shouts a bunch of wacky stuff and you wish he wouldn't. The fun and games really start during the last few minutes of the movie when it gets all Tod Browning-esque and someone sets a chamber maid on fire and she runs screaming down the hallway, and that's sort of reminiscent of the fun and games we have on the weekends at Deathrage Towers when we play a game called "Set The Chamber Maid On Fire So She Runs Screaming Down The Hallway". We laugh and laugh and laugh.
