In a very rape-y post-apocalyptic future; there will be lots of raping, looting, pillaging, and rubber spiders. People will wear their jeans tucked into their socks, but I don't think that fashion choice causes any specific apocalypses. We should be careful not to let it happen. The risk is much too great, because then we get a movie like Land Of Doom.
Girl with crossbow meets whiny boy with his jeans tucked into his socks, and they spend the next 90 minutes getting captured and escaping from the same band of ruffians who look a little like Judas Priest. Let's check:
Oh yeah, that's the stuff. With a hint of Twisted Sister. Anyway, there's a cannibal with an outrageous French accent a la Pepe Le Pew, unconvincing fight scenes, burlap sacks as clothing, and I wonder why there are so damn many people out in the desert. I watched Land Of Doom on Netflix, and I'm just about fed up with the future. Here's a clip:
In a vaguely homoerotic gambling den in a post-apocalyptic future; everyone wears hi-top Reeboks, shirts that can't be bothered with buttons, has a mullet, and drinks a smoking green liquid with obvious dry ice, and I wonder if I'm watching a movie or a Spandau Ballet video. Let's find out:
I'm not sure. The short answer is "Yikes", and the long answer is "Possibly". Anyway, after the gambling den in a vaguely homoerotic post-apocalyptic future has erupted in an unconvincing fistfight and the shirtless sweaty dancing man in the silver lame shorts stops gyrating, we see an unconvincing gun battle led by a female bodybuilder. I'm not entirely sure why. Then there's headbands and people running through a field in slo-mo, and since there's little/no/barely audible dialogue and a goat I begin to think that it might not be a movie but it might be a music video by Ultravox. Let's find out:
Well, the jury's out on that one. It's still pretty hard to tell. So there's a motorcycle chase, grenades, flame-throwers, leather jackets, a zebra-painted future car, and a flimsy, repetitive synth soundtrack; so I become convinced this might actually be a future movie/music video hybrid called Wham!:Beyond Thunderdome. Let's find out:
Wait, no clip? That's fine, because that would be Beyond Awful.
So, someone demonstrates psychic powers by getting a constipated look on their face and a bulging vein in their forehead. Do we have a clip? Great!
So there's that. I watched Interzone on Netflix. It was not good.
From what I can tell, future prisons of 1986 will be populated with android guards wearing motorcycle helmets and inmates who look a little like Patty Smyth in kung-fu gear. Also, prisons will store their jetpacks in a shed near the fence surrounding the prisons in the unlikely event a prisoner should escape.
Here's another interesting tidbit about the future of 1986 I learned from the tele-film Condor. Cars will have a machine that plays the radio, gives you directions, makes phone calls, orders drive-thru burgers, swipes credit cards, and is the size of a microwave oven. They're shiny and silver and have buttons all over them. I can't wait for the future!
Fashions in the future of 1986 will consist of sportcoats with the sleeves pushed up, you'll have to pop the collar on your button-down shirt, and you'll have to tuck your pants into your ankle boots. Dudes won't mind this at all.
During action sequences in the future, Chrysler minivans can always outrun Porsches, laser battles, fistfights and helicopter explosions are unconvincing and awkwardly choreographed, villains wear 'laser-proof' vests, and the cop from Die Hard appears for some reason.
Here's a clip:
Yep. That's exactly what that is.
I watched Condor on Netflix. It looked cheap and chintzy, but that's the 80s for you.
Due to circumstance beyond my control, and by "circumstances beyond my control" I really mean "I fell asleep", I was unable to finish watching the following two films, and by "unable to" I really mean "I ain't gonna". There wasn't anything particularly wrong with the two movies, and by that I mean "they were boring and awful". Normally that wouldn't stop me from watching something, but it did, and for that I apologize; and by "apologize" I mean "whatever".
Nightmare in Wax is the well-traveled story of a disfigured dude who just happens to run a wax museum when coincidentally all his enemies seem to end up missing just as he debuts a new figure or two or three and no one can figure out what happened. Seriously, though. Hasn't any of those gumshoes ever seen a Vincent Price movie? How many wax museum movies have to be made before everyone realizes the murderer is always the guy with the wax expertise who runs the joint? I can't tell you how many times I've visited a wax museum and pointed my finger at the poor wax museum manager and hysterically screamed "He did it! He's the killer!" before I was dragged out of there. See what I mean, though? No one ever believes it's that guy.
Anyway, I watched Nightmare In Wax on youtube. Here's a clip where a guy wearing an eyepatch gets his head held underwater while everyone laughs and a saxophone plays but it turns out to be a dream:
Oops. Looks like someone has replaced my clip of Nightmare In Wax with the music video by trip-hop artists Nightmares On Wax. That happens sometimes.
Moving on, I also fell asleep during, I mean, watched the film Cosmos: War of The Planets. I'm not going to beat around the bush. It sucked. People wear red helmets, and they unconvincingly pivot in space, and they fight a walking toaster oven. Here's a clip:
Wow, what do you know? I was expecting someone to replace my crappy clip of Cosmos: War Of The
Planets with a clip of a baby deer making a 'meep' noise or something. That often happens, and it didn't. Thank goodness. Will wonders never cease?
Oh crap, it's even worse. Someone's inserted a video on my blog-post of someone shampooing a sloth. I could just gag from all the cute.
Again, I apologize for not finishing the movies and I'll try not to let it happen again.
I published another lens over on Squidoo featuring a review I didn't publish here called More Public Domain Movies. I'm running out of interesting titles. You should check it out.
People wearing belted silver lame outfits do things in space in this nonsensical sci-fi film. Someone is kidnapped I think, but it doesn't really matter; because this movie is a polyester 1970's craptacular. In the future tunics, tights, The Dry Look, epaulettes, and Sybil Danning haircuts will be plentiful and men will look terrible in all of those things. People point toy ray guns at other people, nothing happens, and people fall down. A few of those people will break in half, revealing they are robots. It's not very interesting. There are excruciatingly awkward kisses, questionable acting, not-very-special special effects, spastic handheld camera work, rubber jumpsuits, several glowing 'light sword' battles, and an impenetrable plot borrowing heavily from Star Trek, Star Wars, and Battlestar Galactica. Actually, anyone involved with any movie with the word Star in it should sue and try to get 35 cents in damages for copyright infringement. That's pretty much all the money they'll get. I watched War Of The Robots on Youtube, and it was just awful. Here's a clip:
Dr. X aka Dr. Non Sequitur aka Dr. Scenery Chewer aka Dr. Cranky Screaming Brylcremed Lunatic takes a vacation from his NASA job where he yells at people and travels to Japan to experiment on a venus flytrap he dug up at a gas station in North Carolina for some reason in this film written by Ed Wood. Let's break it down. Like I said, Dr. X drives to North Carolina to take a plane to Japan which seems to make sense and his car unconvincingly breaks down. He stops at a desolate Petticoat Junction-esque gas station because that seems like the thing to do, and the creepy gas station owner holds up a rubber snake and says "I'll take a look at your car if you take a look at my snakes.", and that seems fine. Then Dr. X is seen holding a box with a venus flytrap in it aboard a Pan-Am flight, and I guess you could take just about anything on a plane in 1970.
Then Dr. X unconvincingly arrives in Japan, and he drives a convertible to the top of a non-dangerous active volcano where an abandoned hotel complete with pipe organ is located and that also seems fine and doesn't contain any foreshadowing at all. You'll need a Dramamine during this part, because the camera jumps up an down wildly to simulate a dramatic ride to the top of a non-dangerous active volcano where unconvincing landslides occur. They arrive at the top of the mountain, and nothing happens for a long time except terrible dialogue and stock lightning footage. Suddenly, there's topless Japanese chicks on the beach and no one seems to notice.
A few more months of movie happens, and Dr. X finally finishes his creation which looks a little like a guy in a rubber Cthulhu carrot suit, and you realize this movie is a Frankenstein/Little Shop Of Horrors rip-off complete with irate Japanese villagers wielding flaming torches and a box of puppies being used as plant food. There's indescribably bad acting, an incoherent plot, cracky editing, stock NASA footage, roller rink organ music, and lots of yelling. It's recommended if you like stuff that sucks. I watched The Revenge Of Dr. X on Youtube, and there was no revenge of any variety. Here's a clip featuring a Japanese hunchback henchman, which seems fine.
