Django Unchained

I honestly didn't want to see Django Unchained. Much like Tarantino's film Inglourious Basterds, I wasn't in the mood to be entertained by another of history's tragedies. However, Django Unchained is directed with such style, it's exceedingly difficult to not be entertained. The screenplay is wordy, the soundtrack is effectively narrative, the supporting cast is surprising, and the cinematography is stunning. Flashbacks are shot in as an homage to seventies exploitation films. And it's hard not to see well-placed symbolism in the blood-spray on white cotton, spatter on the flanks of a speeding white stallion, or gore on the white columns of a Colonial plantation home. The villains in Django Unchained are either vicious, pretentious, inhuman dandies, or toothless, bumbling, ignorant rednecks; and they are justifiably mowed down by the dozen. And Django is a stoic hero played with reserve by Jamie Foxx, who becomes an uneven partner with bounty hunter Dr. Schultz, played with a flourish by Christoph Waltz, in a time period when such partnerships largely did not exist. The whole affair is very watchable, which I found unsettling, but then again, Tarantino already set a president with his last film.

Searching For Sugar Man

Rodriguez's music became Anti-Apartheid anthems in the 70's, and no one in South Africa knew what happened to the mysterious musician. Did he kill himself on stage? Various myths arose, and two South Africans attempt to piece the story together in this moving, well-shot documentary.

I once had the pleasure of seeing legendary reclusive outsider artist Jandek perform live. Up until a few years ago, almost nothing was known of the performer of atonal blues who had self-released almost 60 albums. He did no interviews, never performed live, and only a couple of photos of him existed. Suddenly in 2004, a handful of gigs happened featuring 'a representative of Corwood Industries (Jandek's own record label)', and fans finally caught a glimpse of him.

Even when the show was announced when I saw Jandek live, I still refused to believe it. I assumed an impostor would show up, if anyone showed up at all. I arrived at the gig where signs were posted that said "The artist requests no photos", and the stage was bare except for a chair and a guitar. It was quite thrilling. Sure enough, a tall thin man dressed in black and wearing a fedora sat down on the stage and began performing his strange, otherworldly blues.

I'm still shocked I got to experience this event.

Beneath Loch Ness

Unconvincing deep-sea divers unconvincingly excavate rocks or something in unconvincing Loch Ness when an unconvincing earthquake causes an unconvincing CGI boulder to crush one of the divers, then the unconvincing tail of an unconvincing Loch Ness Monster is partially shown for the next hour or so while Americans talk about it while looking a little too suntanned and sweaty for being in an unconvincing Scotland that looks suspiciously like California, then I stopped caring. Not for a single moment did I ever believe any of the underwater scenes took place underwater, and I would think that's an important detail when your film is titled Beneath Loch Ness. It's just awful.

Luckily for you, there doesn't seem to be a trailer.

In completely unrelated news having nothing to do with Scotland, My Bloody Valentine have announced they will be releasing their first album in 20 years sometime in the 'next two or three days'. While that's a thrilling development, it's also a relatively unlikely scenario as new music has been threatened once every few years for the past two decades. Let's all hold our collective breaths, shall we?

Argo

The CIA attempts to rescue diplomats from Iran under the guise of shooting a science fiction film in this movie directed by Ben Affleck. Using a muted color palette, editing that seamlessly blends period footage with modern recreations, and cinematography that is reminiscent of such '70's classics as The French Connection and All The President's Men; Affleck subtly crafted a tense, thrilling and stylishly constructed film filled with political intrigue. It's cliche to say, but I was on the edge of my seat through the entire film even though I knew the ultimate outcome. Argo will probably take home the statuette for the Academy Award for Best Picture.

Chariots Of The Gods

Chariots Of The Gods is a classic documentary film that theorizes that early human civilizations were contacted by extraterrestrials. Seemingly narrated by what I can only assume is a Munchkin from Oz, outrageous pseudo-scientific claims about ETs influencing everything from the building of Machu Pichu to the creation of Egyptian mummies are flung about while a freaked out avant-jazz soundtrack blares in the background with very little solid physical evidence to back these claims up. By no means am I saying that I don't believe that aliens were here in the past. They totally were. Seriously, ancient people weren't capable of creating these monuments without outside help. Have you ever seen anyone ever carve one of the enormous Moai of Easter Island? Of course not, so therefore it couldn't have happened. Early humans just didn't have it in them to be creative all on their own. The only reasonable explanation is that aliens did it. With freaking laser beams and mental telepathy.

I think Bigfoot had a hand in it too, but I can't be sure. It's just conjecture on my part.

Dreams Of A Life

Dreams Of A Life is a documentary about Joyce Carol Vincent, an enigmatic loner, who died mysteriously in her bedsit in 2003 surrounded by Christmas presents and whose body was not discovered until 2006. Using interviews and recreations, the film-makers attempt to illuminate the few details known about her life, but unfortunately questions remain unanswered. The film is reminiscent of those true crime television shows, but with a creepy, gossipy vibe; like overhearing acquaintances trying to piece together the facts about a sad, lurid tabloid story. Dreams Of A Life is overlong, but it does have a good score by Barry Adamson and features tunes by Mahalia Jackson, Betty Wright, and Human League.

2012: Ice Age

A family attempts to outrun a 200 mph glacier in this Asylum film. In the year 2012, which is the perfect year for a glacier-based apocalypse, volcanoes unconvincingly explode causing a crudely-rendered glacier to crash into Maine and characters to talk on walkie-talkies for 7 minutes of screen-time. Then there's some unconvincing family-time, an unconvincing traffic jam, an unconvincing airport terminal, and unconvincing parking in Manhattan for $5. Then there's some unconvincing gigantic icicles, unrealistic snow, excessive close-ups, an unconvincing senator's office, and lots of familial bickering. You'll also find some Times Square green screen shots, a miraculous Mitsubishi that can outrun a speeding mile-high glacier, a brand-new disposable college friend, confusing geography, flash-frozen Bostonians, crushed hitch-hikers, Birdemic-esque geese, car-jacking hoboes, an unconvincing Lincoln Tunnel, Cessna-based family comedy, and a miraculous Dodge Ram minivan conveniently filled with bomb-making materials.

Watching 2012: Ice Age, I found myself filled with questions. Is this scene supposed to be happening in the daytime, or at night? How many tornadoes can actually be caused by a speeding glacier in one film? Can grown men be pinned under Intermetro modular shelving units? Does the National Guard often thwart coat-jackings during glacier-based crises? The answer to those questions are Yes, 3, Yes, and What the hell is a coat-jacking?; but that's answering a question with a question, and it's not really important right now. Watch this film and find out. It's highly recommended if you like stuff that sucks.