Troll 2: Terrible Movies #117

Disclaimer: I have seen this movie once before. It hasn't aged well. And there will be spoilers (as if this film isn't already rancid), so get used to the idea.

When you've seen as many bad movies as I have, compiling a list of The Worst Stabford's Ever Seen can be tricky. As with any of the so-called terrible movies I've seen, inclusion on that list doesn't necessarily mean I didn't thoroughly enjoy it, even though I may have groaned in agony and watched with my hands over my face while peeking through my fingers. The list is quite fluid and incomplete. Today, the Top Five would be:

Manos, The Hands Of Fate
The Beast Of Yucca Flats
Double Agent 73
Troll 2
You've Got Mail

I really hated You've Got Mail.

Anyway, on to Troll 2. There's inappropriate mid-80's upbeat synthesizer music that doesn't seem to match up with the action onscreen, in this case, a Robin Hood-type being chased through a simultaneously foggy and sunny forest by a crowd (a mob? a gathering? a murder?) of goblins wearing ill-fitting Dollar Store Halloween masks (check out the eye-holes!) and carrying pointy sticks. Do we have a clip? We do? Awesome! We can't embed it? Boo. Here's a link. Check it out. I'll wait.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UTsd7CX4ujU


The narration is done by Grandpa Seth, probably the scariest and creepiest babysitter in film history. So the movie continues, and there are pajama top continuity errors, the worst teenage actors committed to celluloid, and a version of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" in a mini-van that may cause insanity in more sensitive viewers. Then suddenly and without warning, the daughter does an awkward and abrupt dance in front of a mirror that has to be seen to be believed. And...we have a clip, but it can't be embedded either. Dang it! Go ahead, I'll wait.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ez7VFMNLJyc


What's up with the freakin' door-jamb in the shot? Who approved that? It's just so bad it's awesome!

So, some more movie happens and you wish it wouldn't, most of which revolves around the Amish trying to feed the family suspicious green foodstuffs with writing on them, a witch in need of Chapstick and an orthodontist whose house looks like the plastic plant department of a craft store, and a lot of green Jello-O. Then someone accidentally hitchhiking actually eats a green hamburger wrapped in cellophane a cop handed them because that seems like a sensible thing to do, and then they stagger around a forest with a half a gallon of milk while their forehead is covered in green gelatin because they're feverish and sweaty and it's in the script. Then later, the witch changes into a hot-to-trot Stevie Nicks-like temptress with a corn fetish who decides to make out with a teenager in a Winnebago while a litigiously similar sounding rip-off of Joe Cocker's "You Can Leave Your Hat On" plays, because everyone needs whole grains and Joe Cocker when they make out.

We have a clip! Hurray!



So yeah. That happens. Wow. Then sometime later the movie ends, I guess. So, The script is terrible, the editing is terrible, the cinematography is terrible, continuity is terrible, the townspeople's clapping is terrible, and the acting is terrible. Costumes consist of straw hats, gingham, shirts that don't stay buttoned, and burlap. Sets consist of some other town's church, a barn, a Winnebago, various fields and forests, and the most desolate Main Street in Utah. Art direction consists of plastic potted plants, dry ice, fog machines, gallons of Jell-O, red and green food color, cartoon lightning bolts, a couple of packages of phony cobwebs from the Halloween Store, and draperies. And the message of the film is that only the power of goodness, Stonehenge's magic stones, the omnipotent powers of Grandpa Seth, and a baloney sandwich can save the family, I guess. Who the hell knows? It's on Netflix Instant Streaming, and it's highly recommended if you like stuff that sucks. Here's the trailer: