A brutal fixer-upper

People often ask me, "Hey Stabford, what does Deathrage Towers actually look like? I can't seem to find any mention of it anywhere." Well, here's an anecdote about that. Recently I was paid a visit by the local Skyscraper Porch Inspector, and I was told I need to put a new coat of paint on the porch on the roof near the heli-pad. I found that to be odd; since the building doesn't stay in one city too long before moving on to another, exists in a netherworld between dimensions, and I don't normally allow access to my rooftop skyscraper porch to just anybody. And I had no idea skyscraper porches needed to be inspected, or that someone had the foresight to come up with a branch of local government devoted to such an absurd thing. Whatever. Let me remind you that I am A) lazy, B) not known to be good with tools, and 3) hate venturing out amongst humans and spending my billions. So I paid a visit to the hardware store and purchased a couple of quarts of Colonial Red, which I like to call Glossy Bloodclot because I'm a big fan of colonialism and paint that looks like pools of clotting blood. Seriously, it makes whatever you paint look like a grisly murder scene. I'm a big fan.

Anyway, since I usually hire handymen to do this and then push them down the building's elevator shaft, I again seem to be out of hired handymen to do this task for me and the elevator shaft is full. I miscalculated how many quarts I would need to cover the old, rickety, wooden, 42-floors-up skyscraper porch. Oops. I went back to get more because I love A) going out in public amongst humans, B) doing things wrong, and 3) spending money on paint, and lo-and-behold, they're out of stock. Dang it. They had a similar paint by the same manufacturer with the same color name, so I thought it should do the trick. Wrong. Seems as though this paint is not Glossy Bloodclot, but Hamburger With A Warm Pink Center, which sounds delicious but is not the color I need. And now I have a wacky two-toned rooftop skyscraper porch.

Here's a snapshot I took of Deathrage Towers as it phased between otherworldly realms since I just happened to be out messing up other fixer-upper stuff a professional should be doing after I shoved Skyscraper Porch Inspector off the top of the building:

Foreboding and spooky, isn't it? Yes, it's always slightly out of focus and it's always in black and white. Sadly, you can't see the porch. It's in the Brutalist style (the building, not the porch), which I think is fitting. Legend has it the building is haunted by a guy with horns and a tail, but strangely enough I haven't seen him. Speaking of spooky legends, I once had a friend mention offhandedly that finding a picture of me is almost as hard as finding one of Sasquatch. I'm not sure how true that is, seeing how many movies Sasquatch stars in. Regardless, I will try to post self-portraits more often since I'm a narcissistic self-promoter. Here I am at 4 in the morning suffering from insomnia: