Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Deadly Paranormal Encounters With The Afterlife

Hauntings and urban legends are examined in this tedious Canadian paranormal travelogue. Featuring amateurish reenactments, bad effects, and less-than-compelling narration, Deadly Paranormal Encounters With The Afterlife takes a look at the legendary Screaming Tunnel of Niagara Falls, Ontario, which is haunted by a young girl who was tragically set ablaze, and the University Of Manitoba's Special Collection of photographs of the Hamilton Experiments, where the spiritualist Thomas Glendenning Hamilton took some infamous photos of ectoplasm.

Now I know what you're going to say, and you're going to say 'Stabford, that photo appears to be of a woman with tissue paper in her mouth, and someone pasted newspaper cut-outs of faces on it, and it isn't spectral ectoplasm at all'. Well, you're a buzz-kill, and don't ruin this for me. I think that it's very, very convincing.

Speaking of buzz-kill, Deadly Paranormal Encounters With The Afterlife contains almost no deadly encounters whatsoever, and hardly any afterlife, although there is some extremely dramatic alphabetization utilizing a Ouija board. 

Unfortunately, I can't find a trailer for Deadly Paranormal Encounters With The Afterlife. Instead, here's a video by Bjork, and it's about as close to ectoplasm as we're going to get. 

ICYMI, I recently went on a tear about the film Beyond The Gates over at Cultured Vultures, which also doesn't have any ectoplasm in it, but should.

Friday, June 9, 2017

The Knowledge Of The Forever Time: The Black Knight Satellite

Writer's block is, well, something. I would be able to describe it better, but unfortunately, I'm suffering from writer's block.

I'm about 17 incomplete reviews deep now, including Beyond The Gates, which I went through the whole rigamarole of creating a Twitter poll for. I'm probably going to half to scrap half of it. It's nothing to worry about, I'm sure.

Speaking of worry, I'm besieged by overwhelming dread. I'm not one to prescribe to conspiracy theories, but I'm convinced pale grey vapors of apprehension and unease swirl about me, and someone's responsible. I don't think this second giant cup of iced soy espresso has anything to do with it, and I'm offended you've even suggested it. Get off my back about it. While you're up, get me another espresso.

I've taken some logical steps to combat the angst. I've cut lengthy stems of just-past bloomed sage from my potager garden, and placed them around the room, thoroughly surrounding myself in them as a protective barrier. The herbs' aromatic qualities are sure to dispel the vapors. I've lit several sticks of lotus-scented incense. The billowing smoke will mingle with the vapors, causing them to dissipate in a pleasing aroma. A little music playing softly in the background helps to drown out the howling shriek of anxiety.

Once I find out who has placed this curse upon me will really get a stern talking to.

Speaking of conspiracy theories, during dinner last night I had the misfortune of playing the video The Knowledge Of The Forever Time: The Black Knight Satellite. I really just wanted something absurd playing in the background, trying not to pay much attention to it as I caught myself up on the stupefying, soul-crushing news of the day. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to watch a paranormal conspiracy documentary while catching up on current events and ravenously scarfing down a vegetarian turkey-esque cutlet, but I'm an expert at bad decisions.

The Knowledge Of The Forever Time: The Black Knight Satellite explains the theory that a 13,000-year old extraterrestrial satellite orbits the Earth which was supposedly first discovered by Nicola Tesla in 1899. Nope, I'd never heard of this, either.

Hopping around from climate change, Medieval paintings, spirituality, portentous narration, and dodgy science, The Forever Time shrieks and howls through some eyebrow-raising, startling crackpot theories in a little over an hour. Between CNN, Twitter, and this documentary, my mouth fell open so many times I could barely chew.

I can't really recommend The Knowledge Of The Forever Time, (BTW, this is episode 6!), but I wouldn't stop you from watching it.

Friday, May 19, 2017

The Sallie House

It's come to my attention that I've only posted once this month. Unfortunately, I've been busy, which means the blog gets ignored. My review of Halloweed was well received over at Cultured Vultures, and writing and promoting that was time consuming, and by 'well-received' I mean about a dozen people read it and no one flung rotting fruit at me.

I also wrote several book reviews over at, where I reviewed Bedtime For Batman, A Beginner's Guide To Immortality, and The League Of Regrettable Superheroes. You should check them out.

Check WinkBooks later, when they'll publish my reviews of the books Ghosts, Andy And Lucy Neanderthal, and Head Lopper. I actually almost sort of make an attempt at nearly serious writing.

Anyway, enough self-promotion.

Originally featured on the 1990s television shows Sightings and Unsolved Mysteries, The Sallie House investigates the infamous haunting.

Artist rendering of the alleged spirit, which seems fine as far as nightmare fuel goes.

Featuring reenactments, interviews, and video footage of varying quality, bricks are supposedly thrown, someone is allegedly knocked out of their shoes, teddy bears are inexplicably placed in a circle by an unseen force, roses are paranormally burnt, candles are found upside down, someone has unexplained pinky finger sensations, and a Great Dane is psychic. The owners of the home who first claimed to have experienced the haunting is interviewed, and clips from Sightings where the husband is allegedly attacked by Sallie, resulting in long, needle-like scratches on his torso, is shown.

I would like to recommend The Sallie House purely for the Great Dane, but since it only makes a brief cameo appearance, I can't.

I couldn't find a trailer for the Sallie House documentary, but I found this short clip of nothing particularly interesting happening in the basement of the Sallie House, and it's promoted by someone suggesting people visit Atcheson, Kansas. I think it's brilliant, because I watched 1 minute and 30 seconds of nothing happening, and it was more entertaining than a lot of the movies I've watched lately.

Monday, May 8, 2017

Westall '66: A Suburban UFO Mystery

Australian schoolchildren encounter a UFO in this compelling paranormal documentary. Featuring charcoal-sketch animations of screaming children fleeing from flying saucers, interviews with now-grown alumni of the school, and newspaper accounts revealing the secrecy at the time, Westall '66 is intriguing and gripping.

Very nearly verging on the credible, the documentary recounts the tale of how 200 children and teachers in two schools witnessed an unidentified flying object landing in a field in an Australian town in April, 1966. After a brief front page article in the local newspaper, the event seemed to have been hushed up, as supposed news footage and cameras disappear, information is allegedly erased from government records, and the community is apparently silenced through veiled threats. The film culminates in a reunion of the alumni. Corroboration of the event from nearly the whole town gives the film an air of authenticity. I'm uncertain what the town witnessed, but they deeply believe they saw something, and it's a fascinating mystery.

I recently held a Twitter poll asking the Twitterverse what film I should review next. Halloweed was the big winner. Check out my review here:

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Curse Of The Man Who Sees UFOs

The tale of the man who devotes his life to videotaping sightings of UFOs is examined in this quirky paranormal documentary. A story of tragedy and misfortune set in the odd underbelly of Monterey, California, Curse Of The Man Who Sees UFOs tells the story of affable, eccentric, and slightly exhausting musician and film maker Christo Roppolo, who inexplicably manages to capture images of and allegedly communicates with unidentified flying objects. A highlight of the film occurs as Roppolo recounts the tale of a man who set himself on fire at a golf course restroom, and how chasing a flying red orb caused Roppolo to crap behind a tree in said golf course. Less about flying saucers and more about the unfortunate artist haunted by them, Curse Of The Man Who Sees UFOs still entertains and fascinates.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Return

A brand new season of the film critique program for the people who like other people talking during movies, featuring bad special effects, bad sets, and bad puppetry, and I haven't even started talking about the film yet. The film is terrible, which is exactly what fans of the show would expect. There is a Luxembourg joke, a spleen joke, a mother joke, a Murray Head joke, and a joke about foley artistry and exposition.

There's also a Blazing Saddles reference, various instances of mockery, a few callbacks, other science facts, and yes, you can see the strings. A welcome return, although to be honest, I only watched the first episode. I don't have time for television programs. It takes time away from constantly refreshing my Twitter feed.

For those who missed it, I held a Twitter poll to see which terrible horror film I'll review next over at Cultured Vultures. It was a narrow victory, but the winner was Halloweed, although I use the term 'winner' very loosely. Don't fret, I'll hold another poll very soon because it was an awful lot of fun, but what I consider fun is very different from what others would consider fun. In case you're wondering, my twitter handle is I'm the one wearing the mask.

Speaking of Cultured Vultures, I recently reviewed the Argentinian horror film Ataud Blanco. You should check it out. I didn't have very many nice things to say about it.

Friday, April 14, 2017

The Lovers & The Despot

The unbelievable true story of how Kim Jong-Il kidnapped two filmmakers to create a North Korean Hollywood is told in this fascinating documentary. Utilizing interviews, vintage film clips, and recreations, the sinister scheme unfolds. Imprisoned for 5 years, the husband and wife make 17 films in 2 and a half years, enduring constant surveillance, brainwashing, and 'emotional dictatorship'. As they worked for Kim Jong-Il, rumors swirled around their disappearance. After being accused of defecting to the North, clandestine audio tapes make it to the West, simultaneously providing proof of their ordeal and the very first audio recordings of Kim Kong-Il's voice. Ending in a dramatic run for the US Embassy, The Lovers & The Despot is a gripping documentary.