Wednesday, May 29, 2013

The Their They're Controversy

It has recently been brought to my attention that I improperly used the word 'their' when I should have used 'they're' in my About Me section. It was an oversight, and it has been changed. I always hated my original About Me section, and I never could quite find the time/need/impetus/concern to change it. Of course, when I'm at most most stressed, I have it changed. And then I didn't notice it was wrong for weeks. Oh well.

However I had noticed that May 2013 has been my least visited month since May 2011. I can only attribute this drop in visits to the fact that A) I didn't post as much as I have in the past, and B) Only Grammar Nazis visit my blog. Well, for both of those things I think I'm supposed to be very sorry. I am something that resembles a human, and I have heard I have something that resembles human-like failings on rare occasions, and sometimes I heard through the grapevine that it's been rumored I have made a mistake in the past. I am doubtful, but it's possible. If I was capable of human emotion I think I might feel something that resembles deep regret that you felt the way you did. For that, please accept my executive assistant's apology. At Deathrage Industries, we strive for perfection. Mistakes are made at times, and it was probably my executive assistant who made them. Thank you for your continued patronage during this difficult time.

Like I said in my Captain America post, I self-published a book, and I have been busy with that. It's stressful and difficult writing a book, and I coincidentally complained about that a lot in it. So during this time, movies were less likely to be watched, and reviews were less likely to be written. Even though I drive a 1966 Volvo 1800 that can create wormholes, travel backwards and forwards in time, and cover great distances in the blink of an eye, there are only so many hours in a day. Cut me a little slack.

Anyway, I received some very nice messages saying that my book was 'funny' and 'inspiring', and that it made the readers hungry. That's awfully sweet to say, and I sincerely thank you. I am completely astounded that someone, anyone, would take the time to read a surreal, semi-imaginary, sci-fi travelogue interspersed with reviews of the approximately 107 Worst Movies Of All Time, complaints about living with Social Anxiety Disorder, and pictures of chili dogs; because that description sounds ridiculous and even I'm not sure it's a real thing. Well, it is real, I suppose.

I'm not really sure where I was going with all that, but I'd like to say thanks again for reading my book and visiting this blog. I've begun work on my second book, which is provisionally titled "Stabford Deathrage Goes To Hell".

OK, so that title doesn't sound so great. Don't get all bent out of shape. From what I hear, Hell isn't so bad, and it has miniature golf. Don't worry, I'll take pictures.

Back To The Future

My family and I sat down for Family Movie Night a few nights ago. Just to bring you up to speed, The Deathrage Family Movie Night consists of my family arguing for hours about which movie to watch and then not watching one. After clicking through the pay-per-view options and finding nothing to agree on, I stumbled upon the Back To The Future Trilogy. My children were astonished that I haven't seen any of the Back To The Future films, and I had to tell them that I develop an unsightly rash due to exposure to Michael J. Fox. It's embarrassing.

OK, fine. I will begrudgingly admit that I very much enjoy The Frighteners which unfortunately stars Michael J. Fox, but I think the anti-inflammatory properties of the bat-crap-crazy performance by Dee Wallace counteracts any negative effects from Michael J. Fox. Plus, it has ghosts, serial killers, and a haunted house.

Back To The Future has none of those things.

What Back To The Future does have is Huey Lewis.

Lots and lots of Huey Lewis.

OK, fine. Maybe not lots, but any is too much. Here's a music video by Huey Lewis:

Oops, it looks like someone replaced a dreadful Huey Lewis music video with a music video by Swans covering Joy Division's Love Will Tear Us Apart which is a relief, seems like a sensible thing to do, and is probably the antithesis of Huey Lewis.

Anyway, back to Back To The Future. So Huey Lewis unconvincingly rocks, Michael J. Fox appears overly blow-dried, and then MJF unconvincingly rides a skateboard amidst an unsettling amount of product placement which was probably the right thing to do considering the film was produced in an era of unrestrained Reaganite consumerism. Then MJF unconvincingly drives a DeLorean while a distracting Alan Silvestri score blares. In this Conservative 80's dream-world of popped Polo shirted phony Norman Rockwellesque crapola, modern life is littered with rubbish, filled with terrorists, covered hither and yon in graffiti, while everything in the 50s was squeaky clean and well-scrubbed. I'm not buying it. Here's a trailer for Back To The Future, but there's a couple of notes from a Huey Lewis song at the end. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Heart Of The King

The lives of several Elvis impersonators are examined in this documentary. At the jump, the film-maker claims he wants his film to be respectful of his subjects. Well, he failed. Showing Pseudo-Elvi playing darts, bowling, singing karaoke, giving sermons, being racist, and floundering onstage; Heart Of The King can't help but exploit. Unfortunately, even the exploitation is dull. However, I did enjoy the strange and surreal Elvis-related puppetry. 

500 MPH Storm

A wind-tousled Casper Van Dien inexplicably outruns a 500 m.p.h. storm while driving an ordinary SUV in this Asylum film. There's accelerated stock weather footage, some unconvincing hot air balloon footage, a not-crucial-to-the-plot dog, lots of shouting, and the required Asylum helicopter scene at the 39-minute mark. Honestly, you can't have an Asylum film without one. So yeah, the helicopter inexplicably crashes, of course, and everyone just seems to walk away from it without a scratch, an SUV drives through a tractor trailer as it flips over during a tornado, again without a scratch, and the cast eats granola bars. The camera is reflected in the surface of the car, but that should go without saying because this is an Asylum film, and dialogue consists of, "Those people exploded.", "There IS no internet.", "Do it!", "Let's Go!", and "AAAAAAAAH!". 

Hercules Vs. The Hydra

Hercules lifts heavy stuff in this swords-and-sandals film starring Jayne Mansfield. People in togas are bloodlessly stabbed and often seem slightly annoyed by this, and Hercules lifts a log and seems startled that it's both heavy and cumbersome. For some reason, the director neglects to say "Cut", but he really should have. I'm not sure why, and I don't think this film is called "Hercules Carries Heavy Stuff Around, And Boy Is It Awkward", but it probably should have been.

Then Ol' Herc throws some axes, which then causes Jayne to unconvincingly swoon while her heaving bosoms fill the screen. They do that a lot. Then cattle stampede, and I'm not sure why. A cow then gives Jayne a menacing look, and then Jayne's bosoms fill the screen again because I guess it was in the script. Then Ol' Herc takes the bull by the horns, and that sounds dirtier than it is. Suddenly, Ol' Herc cuts the head off a hydra, and then he gets unconvincingly brushed aside by a papier-mache hydra hand. I'm not sure why.

Then Jayne gets hugged by a tree, Herc carries around a wheel, and then he suggestively wrestles Bigfoot which is weird because I don't think this movie is called "Hercules Erotically Wrestles Sasquatch". I almost feel bad for Jayne Mansfield because even though she's in a dual role, Bigfoot seems to get a little more action.

Then the movie ends. That's about the gist of it, and Hercules Vs. The Hydra could have used a little more gist. That also sounds a little dirtier than it is.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Captain America: The Winter Soldier Cleveland Shoot, and some other stuff.

So I hit the road in my vintage Alfa Romeo Spider Graduate convertible this weekend so I could check out the filming of Captain America: The Winter Soldier in Cleveland. I really love the Alfa. It's fun to drive. It has its quirks, however. It can unfold its mechanical wings and fly, deploy floatation devices and sail the seas, overheat, and need to be repaired like nearly every five minutes. It's a magical car. I call it Shitty Shitty Dang Dang.

Anyway, I haunted the Captain America set like a ghost, hoping to get a couple of cool shots like I did for the filming of the Avengers.

So, yeah, I took a photo of a trailer and some phony cop cars.

It's not such a great photo. I got hassled by the man, roughed up, and hustled off the set by security like a sucker and they wouldn't let me back on because they realize how powerful I am, and by "hassled by the man, roughed up, and hustled off the set by security" I really mean they were very nice and said "I'm sorry sir, but you can't go down this street. Safety." which made me laugh. The only thing they kept me safe from was being totally awesome. Whatever.

Anyway, I realize this picture is somewhat anti-climactic but you'll be just fine.

Speaking of anti-climactic, my book is available for purchase at Amazon for Kindle. The past 15-odd months or so of writing this damn book has been an awful lot like riding a roller coaster, only you have to push the damn coaster up the hill yourself, jump in just before it heads over the top, ride it down at a million miles an hour through twists, turns, hills, valleys and loops, and then get criticized at the bottom by trolls in the comments section with reviews like, "Worst. Coaster. Ever."

Hold on tight. Here we go.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Android Insurrection

Androids (I guess) battle humans (I suppose) in this derivative android insurrection film.

A group of leather-clad individuals unconvincingly shoot an unconvincing android carrying an unconvincing and slightly litigious light saber, and it looks a little bit like a Tom Petty video with light sabers and if Tom Petty was played by someone who resembles Drew Barrymore as the Bride Of Frankenstein in Blade Runner.

Wow, that's awfully abstruse, even for me. Here's a Tom Petty video, but it doesn't have any light sabers.

Actually, the Tom Petty video is slightly more convincing because the shaky cam and excessive lens flare in Android Insurrection tries to hide the fact that Android Insurrection looks cheap and phony. The Tom Petty video looks cheap and phony but it's a 30-year old music video and it's mercifully brief.

Anyway, people talk and talk, then they unconvincingly shoot at Transformers© that try to stay out of frame so you can't see how poorly rendered they are. Things seem to happen, like when people are killed off camera and dismembered by one of those auto factory robots that paint cars, but you don't really get to see it and the cast discribes it with unconvincing accents. You do get to see camera and boom shadows, some unconvincing android running, and a sort of always slightly out of frame CGI Hal-9000 robot spider thing, but it isn't very interesting.

Do androids dream of electric sheep? Well maybe, if they watch this tedious and boring film.

Friday, May 10, 2013


The decline of Detroit is examined in this interesting documentary. I enjoy looking at rust, ruin and decay. While in Detroit last summer I visited The Heidelberg Project, where a couple of blocks of blighted houses has been turned into a large-scale folk art installation. If you're ever in Detroit, you must visit it. It's astounding.

Anyway, Detropia never thoroughly answers the question of how America can save Detroit. Do we bring back the auto industry to its former glory? Do we raze the empty factories and plant urban gardens? Do we rezone and repurpose the city? Is art its salvation? I don't know, but I do know they make a mighty fine coney dog in Detroit and the very best shawarma I've ever had I got from a vendor at the Taste of Detroit.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Poultrygeist: Night Of The Chicken Dead

Things pulsate, ooze, splatter, and spray in this chicken zombie musical. Going to extraordinary lengths to offend in every possible way, this Troma film has a timely message about, well, something or other about fast food. Here's the plot: A boy loses his girl and tries to win her back by working at a fried chicken restaurant that been built on an indian burial ground, then the townspeople are turned into chicken zombies while everyone sings. More often than not, I said to myself, "Oh no, they're not really going to do that are they? That's ridiculously offensive and a little disgusting. Oh, they did. OK, then." The crew is visible in the reflection of a ludicrously large stretch limousine, but that's to be expected. Anyway, if you're a big fan of green toilet demon chicken puppets, then this is the film for you. Poultrygeist is what might happen if John Waters directed Dawn Of The Dead, you know, because of the chickens and the tackiness. Anyway, in spite of the musical numbers, I'm going to cautiously recommend Poultrygeist if you like stuff that sucks.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Bride Of The Beast

A girl in an angora sweater becomes enamored with a guy in a cheap gorilla suit in this Ed Wood-penned safari/hypnosis/reincarnation gorilla film. There really isn't a whole lot to write about, as Bride Of The Beast is pretty boring. Sure, there's a twin bed honeymoon, some unconvincing nightgown ripping, stock animal footage in dream sequence, and awkward taxidermy, but that's not enough to call this an actual movie. Who takes a gauzy nightgown on safari? Well, probably Ed Wood. Nothing much else really happens, and it's not as awful as some other Ed Wood-related films. BTW, Bride Of the Beast is approximately 40% stock footage.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

The Amityville Haunting

A family bickers while an irritating teen films the supernatural happenings in the Amityville Horror house in this obnoxious found-footage horror film from the Asylum. Amateurish and hokey; the film continuously starts and stops to recreate the effect of someone shutting off the camera which completely ruins any semblance of tension or suspense. A man who helps the family move into the house by carrying empty moving boxes plummets down the stairs for some unknown reason and the realtor inexplicably collapses in the driveway; but strangely enough no cops or paramedics arrive, everyone over emotes about it, and several cast-members mispronounce realtor as 'real-i-tour'. Honestly, if it's your job to speak lines on camera, it's absolutely imperative that you pronounce those words correctly. And if you are the casting director, you have to hire actors who can pronounce them. And if you are the director, you should know when several people you have hired to do those things can't do them. So I can only assume that several actors, the casting director, and the director do not know that the word realtor is not pronounced 'real-i-tour'.

100 Million BC

Navy SEALs travel 70,000,000 years back in time using technology from the Philadelphia Experiment to rescue the guy from the Blue Lagoon in this terrible Asylum film. So yeah, the guy from BJ And The Bear sends the dad from Family Ties back in time, and all of the disposable supporting cast gets eaten by poorly-rendered CGI dinosaurs. The whole movie goes south from the jump when a carabiner is badly photographed in green screen, when the crew is reflected in a rock-climbing helmet, and when a SEAL is teleported into a rock a la Han Solo in carbonite. Then an ancient pod-plant ejaculates on someone, someone else gets eaten by a rubber crocodile, and a Birdemic-esque pterodactyl appears. Thank goodness Blue Lagoon was there to shoot it down with his flimsy flint arrow, which is kind of strange considering most of the crappy CGI dinosaurs are impervious to bullets. Don't worry, there is a scene where Blue Lagoon unconvincingly jumps out of a helicopter, because no Asylum film would be complete without at least one poorly-realized helicopter scene. 100 Million BC is surprisingly character-driven for an Asylum film, even though the bulk of the characters mostly just shoot guns and scream.


Irish Dancers compete in the Irish Dancing World Championships in this documentary. Driven, talented, and focused; the entrants to the competition astound with the intricate, high-kicking, tapping, ballet-like dance. Unfortunately, the end of the film becomes awfully confusing with the complicated scoring system used by the judges. However, the dancers' performances are thrilling, even though the routines are edited for time.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013


In my spare time, of which I have none, I have been at checking off movies I've seen at 2 o'clock in the morning because I can't think of a more pointless thing to do which means I do obsessively do it every chance I get. Someone stop me. Please.

I really mean it.

In the meantime, here's Marcel Duchamp's short film Anemic Cinema. Yes, I checked it off.