Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Hercules Vs. The Hydra

Hercules lifts heavy stuff in this swords-and-sandals film starring Jayne Mansfield. People in togas are bloodlessly stabbed and often seem slightly annoyed by this, and Hercules lifts a log and seems startled that it's both heavy and cumbersome. For some reason, the director neglects to say "Cut", but he really should have. I'm not sure why, and I don't think this film is called "Hercules Carries Heavy Stuff Around, And Boy Is It Awkward", but it probably should have been.

Then Ol' Herc throws some axes, which then causes Jayne to unconvincingly swoon while her heaving bosoms fill the screen. They do that a lot. Then cattle stampede, and I'm not sure why. A cow then gives Jayne a menacing look, and then Jayne's bosoms fill the screen again because I guess it was in the script. Then Ol' Herc takes the bull by the horns, and that sounds dirtier than it is. Suddenly, Ol' Herc cuts the head off a hydra, and then he gets unconvincingly brushed aside by a papier-mache hydra hand. I'm not sure why.

Then Jayne gets hugged by a tree, Herc carries around a wheel, and then he suggestively wrestles Bigfoot which is weird because I don't think this movie is called "Hercules Erotically Wrestles Sasquatch". I almost feel bad for Jayne Mansfield because even though she's in a dual role, Bigfoot seems to get a little more action.

Then the movie ends. That's about the gist of it, and Hercules Vs. The Hydra could have used a little more gist. That also sounds a little dirtier than it is.


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