Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Doomsday Machine: Terrible Movies #221

How many costumes do you need in space? Do you need to take a shower immediately after liftoff? And are BarcaLoungers standard NASA equipment? These and many other questions remain unanswered by the poorly shot, poorly lit, poorly written, and poorly acted film Doomsday Machine, and I don't care to know the answers after all. Here's the plot: There's some sort of cataclysm that's going to befall the Earth, but the jargon over the various military loudspeakers make it difficult to discern what the heck is going on. One thing's for certain, though, and that thing is that women in 1971 are just as capable as men in space and they weigh less and conveniently make for clumsy sexytime on your way to Venus. So after some stock Apollo footage and a couple of lines by Casey Kasem, the cast leaves a bad matte painting of the Earth in 3 or 4 different spaceships equipped with seats that look suspiciously like this:

and change into their space sweatsuits, do a little space cooking, and get picked off one by one by various outer space misadventures. There are many instances of not-so-special special effects, one of which involves cast members with bleeding eyeballs being suspended by strings. It's completely baffling and awful from beginning to end, and I wished a cataclysm would befall the Earth so I could stop looking at it. I watched it on Youtube, and I have no idea why. Here it is if you're a big fan of spaceship recliners, but don't you have some laundry to do or something? Those space sweatsuits won't fold themselves:

The Chicken Of Tomorrow: Terrible Movies #220

The Chicken Of Tomorrow is a short film about the advances in chicken-related agriculture in 1948. It features the images of thousands of plucked chicken carcasses dangling from hooks and usage of the term Evisceration Machinery Line. Did you know the average chicken produces 154 eggs a year? Neither did I. Somehow, The Chicken Of Tomorrow is simultaneously boring and fascinating and would probably make a very fine stock. I watched it on Youtube. Here it is:

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Voyage To The Planet Of Prehistoric Women: Terrible Movies #219

Mamie Van Doren stands around wearing a clam-shell bikini in this slow moving outer space adventure. After two minutes of voice-over narration describing spaceships and another two minutes of waves crashing on rocks, we learn that in future 1998 a manned trip to Venus occurs but that doesn't sound like a particularly good idea because of all the bad animation of spacecraft taking off. The voice-over narration continues, usually over terrible wooden dialogue but that's totally OK because the screenplay sucks. Then, there's lots of sciency beeping noises to remind you that it's 1998, and some dude in a astronaut suit is attacked by a plant with giant tentacles and everyone drives away in a levitating AMC Pacer. Some prehistoric chicks sunbathe on rocks around the 38 minute mark, then they talk using mental telepathy, go for a swim in the ocean and eat fish as a foggy pterodactyl dangling from a string attacks for some reason. It's just awful, and I often hoped to be crushed by a bus so I could stop watching it. Avoid unless you like watching footage of people standing around looking at rocks, or looking at the ocean, or looking at some fish, or looking at a lava-covered robot, or looking at a dead rubber pterodactyl. I watched it on Youtube because there was nothing to watch on Netflix. Here you go, but don't say you weren't warned:

Monday, November 28, 2011

Terror In The Midnight Sun: Terrible Movies #218

A spaceship crashes in Sweden, then a chick goes ice skating for some reason and later everyone goes skiing in this film containing very little Terror In The Midnight Sun. Playing more like a Swedish tourism commercial with tons of scenic shots of airplanes flying over snow-covered mountains; there is also shaky camera-work, confusing accents, wooden acting, camera shadows, phonetic line-reading, and reindeer closeups. Absolutely terrifying if you're scared of old-timey supermarket music. I watched it on Youtube, and it was dreadful. Here it is, but you really shouldn't watch it:

Vampyr: A Good One #147

Featuring long tracking shots, excellent camerawork for the era, and striking Expressionistic imagery; Carl Theodore Dreyer's film Vampyr kicks a crapton of ass. Experimental and creepy; it has many awesome closeups, a boatman with a scythe, and a skeleton's hand clutching a bottle of poison. Required viewing. I watched it on Youtube. Here it is:

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Time Bandits: A Good One #146

In an effort to expand the cultural horizons of the minions in the art department of Deathrage Industries, I decided to allow them to watch the classic film Time Bandits in lieu of a lunch break and docked their pay because they clearly were not working. Since the film contains nose picking, time travel, spitting, violence against poor people, floating disembodied heads, exploding henchmen, machine gun fire, sword battles, ogres, aquatic giants with ships for hats, foreboding castles, fireballs shooting from eyeballs, fingers that shoot bullets, tanks, knights, cowboys, archers, spaceships, and The Living Embodiment Of Evil Incarnate who changes into a lethal knife-wielding amusement park ride; I figured they would enjoy something like that because I surely would. They were decidedly unimpressed, so I fired them, and by "firing" them I really mean I shoved them off the roof of the building. Can't get good help nowadays. I watched it on Netflix Instant Streaming, and I'm now taking applications. Here's a poor people punching clip:

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Godmonster Of Indian Flats: Terrible Movies #217

A guy wearing a vest made out of sheep herds sheep then strikes it rich at the slots in Reno in this haphazardly edited horror film, then a hooker steals his cash while a trio of banjos serenade and when he gets upset about this turn of events he gets roughed up Occupy-style by the local fuzz. Suddenly, there's a sheep-related hallucination sequence for some reason where the film crew barely off-camera hold up wriggling sheep for their close-up which then results in bloody straw covered sheep embryos because it's in the script. There's a visible boom, a parade, some strangely dubbed voices, odd animal sounds, a faux dog funeral, a pie eating contest, a nonsensical script, a ketchup covered steak the size of a hubcap, and a papier-mache godmonster puppet made out of sheep with an uncanny resemblance to Snuffalupagus. It's slow-moving and awful (the movie and the godmonster) but recommended if you like stuff that sucks. I watched it at Youtube. Here's an explodey trailer that blatantly rips off Hitchcock if Hitchcock didn't know how to make movies:

Monday, November 21, 2011

Kung Fu Mahjong: Terrible Movies #216

Having at least a some comprehension of the rules of mahjong are absolutely essential for the enjoyment of the film Kung Fu Mahjong, because you certainly will get no enjoyment from the broad slapstick, multiple double-takes, cruddy script, terrible cinematography, lousy special effects, incomprehensible subtitles, badminton, and average kung fu. Mindbogglingly, they made two sequels. Yikes. I watched it on Netflix Instant Streaming and I have no idea why. Oh yes I do, it's because it's called Kung Fu Mahjong. Wouldn't you be a little intrigued? Don't make my mistake. Here's a trailer filled with Toilet Scrubber Style Kung Fu:

The Haunted Drum: Terrible Movies #215

In this poorly edited Thai horror film, a guy ignores his kid and builds a drum and then dies for some reason which is never explained. Suddenly, someone says, "What a suckabuck jerk!", and you're not sure why. Some ghostly stuff happens, I guess, then someone pets a chicken which then somehow ends up dead moments later but surprisingly does not turn into a chicken ghost. And then just when you think, "Hey, this movie doesn't have any haunted drums in it!", a guy gets assaulted by the spirit living in a haunted drum until his eyeball falls out and a girl in the forest gets bent in half to death but it isn't particularly scary or interesting. And someone gets called a schloomp, someone else says, "If you smell coconut milk, go to bed at once." which seems fairly sensible to me, many people pretend to play the drums, and several grown men cry. It's just dreadful. I watched this movie on Netflix Instant Streaming and I wish I hadn't. Here's a spoilerific trailer which you should probably avoid, too.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Madhouse: Terrible Movies #214

Vincent Price plays a horror film actor with an eerie similarity to Vincent Price in this horror film made out of chunks of other horror films that probably starred Vincent Price haphazardly glued together. There are continuity errors, a touch of shaky camerawork, and a half-crazed spider chick for some reason, plus some pink pajamas, swinging bell bottoms, a bedazzled jean jacket, lots of blue eyeshadow, and some swank shag carpet. The film doesn't make a lot of sense from the jump and careens out of control near the end. I watched it on Netflix Instant Streaming and probably shouldn't have. Here's a trailer:

Arang: A Good One #145

Basically, Arang is a Korean Ringu, where a bloody-eyed long-haired spirit exacts her revenge. It's stylish, but derivative and scare-free. It has its moments, though, so I'm giving it a passing grade. I watched it on Netflix Instant Streaming. Here's a tense and effective trailer that includes most of the tense and effective parts of the film:

The Trip: A Good One #144

Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon star in this beautifully shot road mockumentary about two epicurean actors named Steve and Rob who travel northern England and eat. Exceedingly witty and poignant, it's filled with wonderful cinematography of expansive English vistas, sardonic celebrity impressions and well-plated dishes. It also features music by Joy Division (go figure) and Michael Nyman. I watched it on Netflix Instant Streaming, and you should, too. Here's a trailer:

The Evil Of Frankenstein: A Good One #143

The Evil Of Frankenstein is a pretty decent Hammer horror film with well constructed long tracking shots, great sets, and good special effects. It was entertaining, and I don't have a lot to complain about. I watched it on Netflix Instant Streaming. Here's a trailer:

Double Dragon: Terrible Movies #213

Robert Patrick (coiffed a la Vanilla Ice), Alyssa Milano, and some dude from Party Of Five stars in this weak and garish kung-fu video game film. In a newspaper strewn and graffiti covered future 2007 Los Angeles, two average fighters attempt to recover some lost jewelry and do stuff, I guess, but no one knows what or why. There's a terrible script, terrible cinematography and terrible puns. You'll see many unfortunate hair and costume choices, lackluster special effects, and one or two unconvincing fight scenes where bad guys are foiled by physics-proof gumballs, a ponytail trapping suitcase, and various pieces of sporting equipment.  It has a vague Beyond Thunderdome vibe, only with half-assed martial arts, excessive eyeliner, and over-sized airbrushed t-shirts and bedazzled denim because everyone will wear those things in the far distant future. Avoid with all your might. I watched it on Netflix Instant Streaming. Here's a trailer:

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

The Car: Terrible Movies #212

The 1970s were the turquoisiest of all the decades, I guess. James Brolin stars in this corny turquoise jewelry filled horror film where a murderous black car runs over french horn enthusiasts and short-short wearing bicyclists for no discernible reason. It's reminiscent of Jaws, except if Jaws sucked and was very, very dusty. Here's a clip:

Oops. Someone replaced the clip from The Car where someone shouts 'cat poo' with this absurd clip of David Hasselhoff "singing" about a car.


Sorry about that. Oh, here it is:

Thank you to the very helpful person who uploaded that to Youtube, because you wouldn't have believed me if just I told you it existed. Anyway, The Car contains more marching bands that I generally like in a supposedly demonic automobile horror movie where the plotting, stalking and lurking car seems to be especially sensitive to insults. And don't forget the sideburns. There seems to be an awful lot of sideburns. I'm not sure why. I watched The Car on Netflix Instant Streaming. Here's a dusty trailer.

Yes, I just said that, and I'm not sorry:

Captain America: The First Avenger: A Good One #142

Captain America: The First Avenger is a well done comic book movie. For all you snobby movie critics who give comic book movies a hard time, remember this: It's 64 pages in color for a dime. It's a guy with his underwear on the outside, a little biff-bang-pow, and maybe a car. That's it. It's not Renoir, Fellini, or Bergman so settle down. Like the comics that are published every month, sometimes you get a good one and sometimes you get a bad one. The Dark Knight is an anomaly, and then again, so is Catwoman.

You have to give Marvel Comics props for pushing the movies out. Sure, you get a few duds, but they are unafraid to give it a go. This is the complete opposite of DC Comics who allow properties to sit on the shelf, and then they roundtable it to death and fiddle with the concept and come up with fail. How could they have ever ok'd Catwoman? Did they read the script? Did they watch the rushes? They seemingly have had no confidence in the property or the brand to have that film released. Meanwhile, Marvel gets The Avengers filmed, and Justice League remains in development. I'm going to let you in on a secret DC Comics...are you ready? It's a mind-blowing concept...put the suit on the screen. Then, step back and look at it. Does it resemble the thing in the comic books? Ok, good. People want to see that. The producers of Captain America: The First Avenger did that. They got a guy that's not an embarrassment to the concept, put him in a suit that's easily recognized, had him fight a bad guy in the setting and story from the comics, and stuff blew up. Sounds like a win to me.

I pay-per-viewed it. Here's a trailer:

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Isle Of The Damned: Terrible Movies #211

I can't list all the things that are wrong with Isle Of The Damned. So I'm just going to post this:

I watched it on Netflix Instant Streaming. I'm not posting a trailer.

Dracula: The Vampire And The Voivode: Terrible Movies #210

Dracula: The Vampire And The Voivode is an overlong and tedious documentary tying together the Bram Stoker novel and the story of Vlad Tepes. Seeming months longer than an 85 minute runtime, it could easily have been edited to an hour. Oh look, I'm back to horror related movies. That was quick. I watched it on Netflix Instant Streaming. Here's a trailer:

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Stabford Deathrage's Happy Fun Comic Book Adventures

I deserve a comic book devoted to me, one richly describing all of my wacky adventures, and I shall have it. Several months ago, I approached the art department of my multi-national company who are imprisoned on the 23rd floor of Deathrage Towers and requested they draw an an adventure filled comic book starring me. I was extremely surprised when they refused, and an unfortunate accident befell them all and they are no longer with the company, and by "befell" I mean they befell down the elevator shaft. They really should have followed all the safety rules regarding the open elevator shaft and the alligator pit and razor sharp spikes at the bottom, and they certainly would have. But considering I taped the memo with the rules on the wall of the back of the elevator shaft, asked them to read it thoroughly, and shoved them in when they tried to get a look, they may not have. They didn't say on the way down. They were fighters, though, and I had to replace the woodwork they scratched with their fingernails, and I docked their paychecks, and by "paycheck" I mean they get no paycheck. Those things happen. I hired a new group of eager young go-getters who were more than happy to comply in lieu of pay, and by "eager young go-getters" I mean they'd better comply or down the elevator shaft they go. Here are the results. I am quite pleased:

I love it. It gets right to the point, and doesn't mess around. There's no ambiguity. It's telling it like it is. And my likeness is just right, and I'm holding a box of Junior Mints which is a very nice touch.

I would totally do that, because You've Got Mail sucked. I love everything about this story so far.

And here are the special effects. They're flames. Man, this is a million times better than You've Got Mail.

See, this again is something I would totally do. People had better not be in front of me at the restaurant getting in the way of my food, or there's going to be heck to pay.

Here's the sweet part...the villagers are attacking Deathrage Towers with a catapult flinging rocks at my popcorn room, and I'm pouring cauldrons of boiling oil on them. And I've got a Death Ray, which is also very cool. I did all that stuff a few weeks ago.

And finally, here I am battling a giant eyeball which is attacking one of the minions from the marketing department but I don't really care that much, and I'm using the Death Ray again just to use it. Man, I'm so awesome!

Well, that's the first installment of my comic book adventures and I hope you enjoyed them, and by "hope" and "enjoy" I really mean I don't care what you think because I have comic book adventures and you probably don't and that's all that matters. If you'd like to get a closer look...I've taped the pages up on the wall on the back of the open elevator shaft.

Absinthe: A Good One #141

I've taken a brief hiatus from the bad horror movies. I'm not sure why. Maybe I needed to cleanse my palate? Maybe I burned out from 31 days of Halloween? I don't know. Anyway, I watched this above average documentary about the supposedly hallucinogenic banned herbal liquor known as "The Green Fairy" that was a favorite of artists and poets in the 19th century. Here's a trailer:

I watched it on Hulu. Here's a link:

Candy Man: The David Klein Story: A Good One #140

Candy Man: The David Klein Story is an above average documentary about the eccentric inventor of Jelly Belly gourmet jelly beans that unfortunately bores in the last few minutes. However, it is still an interesting view of a late '70s fad that grew into a business that produces 34 million pounds of jelly beans a year. I watched it on Netflix Instant Streaming. Here's a trailer:

Dr. Bronner's Magic Soapbox: A Good One #139

Dr. Bronner's Magic Soapbox is an above average documentary about the eccentric soap maker whose 30,000 word philosophy adorns the packaging of his products. The film could have done without the patronizing interviews with some of his unconventional customers, and the movie suddenly jumps the rails in the last 15 minutes or so, but the subject matter is still intriguing. I watched it on Netflix Instant Streaming. It tingles! Here's a trailer: