Saturday, November 5, 2011

Stabford Deathrage's Happy Fun Comic Book Adventures

I deserve a comic book devoted to me, one richly describing all of my wacky adventures, and I shall have it. Several months ago, I approached the art department of my multi-national company who are imprisoned on the 23rd floor of Deathrage Towers and requested they draw an an adventure filled comic book starring me. I was extremely surprised when they refused, and an unfortunate accident befell them all and they are no longer with the company, and by "befell" I mean they befell down the elevator shaft. They really should have followed all the safety rules regarding the open elevator shaft and the alligator pit and razor sharp spikes at the bottom, and they certainly would have. But considering I taped the memo with the rules on the wall of the back of the elevator shaft, asked them to read it thoroughly, and shoved them in when they tried to get a look, they may not have. They didn't say on the way down. They were fighters, though, and I had to replace the woodwork they scratched with their fingernails, and I docked their paychecks, and by "paycheck" I mean they get no paycheck. Those things happen. I hired a new group of eager young go-getters who were more than happy to comply in lieu of pay, and by "eager young go-getters" I mean they'd better comply or down the elevator shaft they go. Here are the results. I am quite pleased:

I love it. It gets right to the point, and doesn't mess around. There's no ambiguity. It's telling it like it is. And my likeness is just right, and I'm holding a box of Junior Mints which is a very nice touch.

I would totally do that, because You've Got Mail sucked. I love everything about this story so far.

And here are the special effects. They're flames. Man, this is a million times better than You've Got Mail.

See, this again is something I would totally do. People had better not be in front of me at the restaurant getting in the way of my food, or there's going to be heck to pay.

Here's the sweet part...the villagers are attacking Deathrage Towers with a catapult flinging rocks at my popcorn room, and I'm pouring cauldrons of boiling oil on them. And I've got a Death Ray, which is also very cool. I did all that stuff a few weeks ago.

And finally, here I am battling a giant eyeball which is attacking one of the minions from the marketing department but I don't really care that much, and I'm using the Death Ray again just to use it. Man, I'm so awesome!

Well, that's the first installment of my comic book adventures and I hope you enjoyed them, and by "hope" and "enjoy" I really mean I don't care what you think because I have comic book adventures and you probably don't and that's all that matters. If you'd like to get a closer look...I've taped the pages up on the wall on the back of the open elevator shaft.

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