Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Deadly Paranormal Encounters With The Afterlife

Hauntings and urban legends are examined in this tedious Canadian paranormal travelogue. Featuring amateurish reenactments, bad effects, and less-than-compelling narration, Deadly Paranormal Encounters With The Afterlife takes a look at the legendary Screaming Tunnel of Niagara Falls, Ontario, which is haunted by a young girl who was tragically set ablaze, and the University Of Manitoba's Special Collection of photographs of the Hamilton Experiments, where the spiritualist Thomas Glendenning Hamilton took some infamous photos of ectoplasm.

Now I know what you're going to say, and you're going to say 'Stabford, that photo appears to be of a woman with tissue paper in her mouth, and someone pasted newspaper cut-outs of faces on it, and it isn't spectral ectoplasm at all'. Well, you're a buzz-kill, and don't ruin this for me. I think that it's very, very convincing.

Speaking of buzz-kill, Deadly Paranormal Encounters With The Afterlife contains almost no deadly encounters whatsoever, and hardly any afterlife, although there is some extremely dramatic alphabetization utilizing a Ouija board. 

Unfortunately, I can't find a trailer for Deadly Paranormal Encounters With The Afterlife. Instead, here's a video by Bjork, and it's about as close to ectoplasm as we're going to get. 

ICYMI, I recently went on a tear about the film Beyond The Gates over at Cultured Vultures, which also doesn't have any ectoplasm in it, but should.

Friday, June 9, 2017

The Knowledge Of The Forever Time: The Black Knight Satellite

Writer's block is, well, something. I would be able to describe it better, but unfortunately, I'm suffering from writer's block.

I'm about 17 incomplete reviews deep now, including Beyond The Gates, which I went through the whole rigamarole of creating a Twitter poll for. I'm probably going to half to scrap half of it. It's nothing to worry about, I'm sure.

Speaking of worry, I'm besieged by overwhelming dread. I'm not one to prescribe to conspiracy theories, but I'm convinced pale grey vapors of apprehension and unease swirl about me, and someone's responsible. I don't think this second giant cup of iced soy espresso has anything to do with it, and I'm offended you've even suggested it. Get off my back about it. While you're up, get me another espresso.

I've taken some logical steps to combat the angst. I've cut lengthy stems of just-past bloomed sage from my potager garden, and placed them around the room, thoroughly surrounding myself in them as a protective barrier. The herbs' aromatic qualities are sure to dispel the vapors. I've lit several sticks of lotus-scented incense. The billowing smoke will mingle with the vapors, causing them to dissipate in a pleasing aroma. A little music playing softly in the background helps to drown out the howling shriek of anxiety.

Once I find out who has placed this curse upon me will really get a stern talking to.

Speaking of conspiracy theories, during dinner last night I had the misfortune of playing the video The Knowledge Of The Forever Time: The Black Knight Satellite. I really just wanted something absurd playing in the background, trying not to pay much attention to it as I caught myself up on the stupefying, soul-crushing news of the day. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to watch a paranormal conspiracy documentary while catching up on current events and ravenously scarfing down a vegetarian turkey-esque cutlet, but I'm an expert at bad decisions.

The Knowledge Of The Forever Time: The Black Knight Satellite explains the theory that a 13,000-year old extraterrestrial satellite orbits the Earth which was supposedly first discovered by Nicola Tesla in 1899. Nope, I'd never heard of this, either.

Hopping around from climate change, Medieval paintings, spirituality, portentous narration, and dodgy science, The Forever Time shrieks and howls through some eyebrow-raising, startling crackpot theories in a little over an hour. Between CNN, Twitter, and this documentary, my mouth fell open so many times I could barely chew.

I can't really recommend The Knowledge Of The Forever Time, (BTW, this is episode 6!), but I wouldn't stop you from watching it.