The Queen Of Versailles is a horror film about a billionaire couple who fall on hard times due to the economy and are forced to fly commercial. It's gut-churningly terrifying. Sure, it's difficult to feel sorry for the characters in this film because everything in their house is gold-plated. Even though I myself am a billionaire, I think nearly everyone can relate to the plight of the Siegels. For instance, who hasn't gone to the Wal-Mart and struggled because you were uncertain how many Operation board games you needed to by for your children for Xmas? Who hasn't felt a little uncertainty because one of your nannies had to go live in the kids' playhouse? Who amongst us hasn't worried if we would have the funds to cover our next plastic surgery? And who hasn't creepily hit on Miss America at one of your dinner parties? All of those things have happened to me, and it's not funny when the $17,000 alligator boot is on the other foot.
Dionne Warwick, Marilyn McCoo, and Andy Gibb star in this music television program where dancers in revealing costumes perform slightly suggestive routines to popular radio hits from the 1980s.
Wait a minute. Someone from the Research And Development Department at Deathrage Industries just informed me that what I wrote above was the synopsis for the program Solid Gold, and that the video was a clip from Solid Gold with a dancing snowman. I am going to need some outside research to prove that this video is not from the film Xanadu, because I don't see how it couldn't be. Both Solid Gold and Xanadu have tube tops, spandex, leg warmers, mime, juggling, and overly rouged and lip-glossed men and women, so it's easy to get those things confused.
OK, so I was just told by the Legal Department at Deathrage Industries that the clip above is not from the television series Solid Gold, but it is the opening sequence to the film Xanadu that someone cleverly mashed together with footage of the Starship Enterprise blowing up and we've already gotten several cease-and-desist letters from Jeff Lynne, Olivia Newton-John, the ghost of Gene Kelly, and that guy who starred in Xanadu that no one remembers, and they're all pissed which is very strange as I haven't even published this blog post yet. Boy, those lawyers certainly do work fast.
Now I'm very confused. The next video just HAS to be Xanadu.
My executive assistant just informed me that the video above is not from Xanadu, but that it is a clip where someone put footage of the Solid Gold Dancers with the Benny Hill theme. While that's good for a chuckle, it doen't solve the main problem of which of these videos are from the film Xanadu and which are from the television show Solid Gold. I guess no one will ever know. Here's the trailer for the film Xanadu:
Trey Parker and Matt Stone star in this low-budget musical loosely based on the story of Alferd Packer. As you can probably guess from the title of the film, Alferd Packer was accused of eating his fellow prospectors after becoming lost in the Rocky Mountains, which isn't a very shpadoinkle thing to do, if you think about it. Trey Parker and Matt Stone do a shpadoinkle job of writing, filming, and scoring this musical, although it is slowly paced and seems longer than a 96 minute runtime.
OK, I'm just going to cut to the chase because we have a lot of ground to cover. The film opens with "Hungry Like The Wolf" by Duran Duran, and then Martin Kemp from Spandau Ballet takes a silver pen to the eye. I'm not sure what that has to do with strippers.
I'm not sure what that has to do with strippers, either, but that's not important right now. Sadly, some vaguely werewolf/stripper-related plot happens I think, and I'm left with a couple of questions. First of all, when you mutilate a corpse, should you wear a headband? And second, do werewolves wear tracksuits? I'm not sure, and I don't think I want to know the answer.
Anyway, I'm no authority on werewolves, but IMHO, these are fine examples of werewolves:
Yes
Yes
And these are NOT good examples of werewolves:
No
And definitely No.
I have been told by my children that the film franchise Twilight contains at least one shirtless werewolf named Taylor Lautner. I don't know anything about that, and I don't want to. You cannot convince me otherwise, regardless of the fact that I once reviewed one of the films in the franchise.
Anyway, the werewolves with the glued-on muttonchops and the B-squad of exotic dancers with the phony eyelashes do what werewolves and strippers are expected to do in any film promising an epic battle between werewolves and strippers, which is examine their relationships.
For a really long time.
I mean a really long time.
So the unconvincing werewolves plot something or other, and the unconvincingly strippers gyrate on the pole, and then the strippers soldier some stuff together and change lightbulbs, and what everyone wants to see when they want to watch an epic battle between strippers and werewolves would be a not-so-thrilling show about arts and crafts.
In conclusion, Strippers Vs. Werewolves is a lot like Snatch meets Notting Hill, only with strippers.
Well, more strippers. Or werewolves.
Actually, I don't know. Were there Werewolves in Notting Hill?
The Nightmare Before Christmas is a heartwarming holiday tale about the best holiday ever, Halloween. Our hero, Jack Skellington the Pumpkin King, becomes bored with Halloween for some wacky reason, and he becomes entranced by the evil spell of X-Mas. He abandons all interest in Halloween, and attempts to turn all of the citizens of Halloween Town into X-Mas fans, and for the life of me I can't figure out why the heck he would do that. When Jack discovers X-Mas Town, he sings a jaunty little tune where he asks, "What's This?". I'll tell you what the answer is. The answer is, "It's X-Mas, And It's Tacky". Why would anyone choose ugly, garish X-Mas over gloomy, morose Halloween? It boggles the mind. X-Mas has tinsel, and garlands, and ornaments. Halloween has severed heads, and skeletons, and jack o'lanterns. Seems like a no-brainer to me, but whatever. Anyway, at the end of The Nightmare Before Christmas everyone learns a valuable lesson, and that lesson is "X-Mas Sucks".
A successful businessman is tormented by a cheerful, non-sequitur spouting bastard man-child with a penchant for candy in this terrifying horror film. This film brings my mind to a halt. I don't understand it at all. It's a garland-filled nightmare from beginning to end. I could just vomit from all of the holiday cheer. Carols are sung, trees are murdered, and spaghetti is eaten. I have no idea what happens in this film, and I was looking for subtitles to explain it to me. Here's a clip where the two villains of the film, one of whom accuses the other of smelling like a Hickory Farms kiosk, fight in front of children potentially psychologically scarring them. I don't blame the children for screaming, because it is terrifying. BTW, this clip might not be safe for work if your work has rules against viewing Youtube clips featuring Zooey Deschanel.
Alastair Sim plays a successful businessman who is haunted by 3 ghosts in this terrifying horror film. The thrills never stop as spectres howl and shriek. Honestly, I can easily relate to the plot of this film. Who the heck do these ghosts think they are? Mr. Scrooge is trying to make his company as profitable as he can, and he can't do that if his loafing, good-for-nothing employees are constantly bitching about 'paid holidays', or 'pay', or 'benefits', or 'heat'. My employees are happy and content with 3 shillings an hour, and if they're not, they can take some holiday time off, and by "time off" I mean down the elevator shaft they go. This film strikes terror in me, as I can imagine how I would feel if ghosts or federal regulators came into my offices and started flinging fines or X-Mas cheer around and forced me to have 'humane' or 'satisfactory' or 'safe' working conditions. Seriously, I do not need ghosts or muckrakers or police screaming in my face shaking their chains or whatnot. It's not ok.
