Saturday, January 6, 2018

Dracula Has Risen From The Grave


I'm not really one to go into New Year's resolutions, because I think I'm already pretty great, and I don't need much improvement. In fact, I would consider myself a genius, and someone who's pretty stable. Having said that, I'm going to forget I said that, and explain my New Year's resolutions, which involve a lot of self-improvement. Many times last year, I said I would try to post more reviews. Forget I said that. Sure, you could easily look and see that my number of posts were the fewest since the beginning of this blog, but that's not important right now. What is important is that I'm going to post more from now on, but don't hold me to that, because I could easily change my mind. 2018's posts will be the very best ever, as long as you don't look too deeply.

The following post is a review from October I abandoned. It's probably the best of all the posts from last year I abandoned, which certainly isn't saying much, but ignore I said that. Here it is, it exists. Just ignore all the incomplete thoughts, non sequiturs, and 180 degree turns. It's fine. In fact, it's better than fine. It's the best.

Oh yeah, forget I said anything about New Year's resolutions. I need no improvement, and you can't prove it.

Dracula Has Risen From The Grave


No one comes to a church because it caught a bad case of the draculas. A buxom dead chick dangles from a church bell because that's the best place to hide them, I suppose. Inexplicable, random, low-lying fog appears. An elderly monsignor climbs up a mountain carrying an absurdly large golden cross, and his companion, a priestly weakling, flops about. Varying stock lightning occurs, along with varying European villages.

Dracula forces the timid priest to dump a rotten corpse out of coffin so Ol' Drac has a place to sleep, which was actually pretty sweet. Then there's a dreary discussion about a spilled beer. The hero has a anachronistic Roger Daltry-esque haircut, which distracts. A grown woman attempt to sleep with a porcelain doll, then climbs absurdly high rooftops. Someone has several 'shnaps'. Dracula lurks about and glares, and little else.

The movie continues with carriage rides, walking, and multiple rooftops. Finally, Drac gets stabbed a few times, falls, bleeds from the eyes, but forgets to change into a bat to escape his fate.

Dracula Has Risen From The Grave is a Hammer film, which is about the best thing going for it, and makes it light-years better than any of the Twilight films, which isn't saying much.



In case you missed it, I rambled on about the sci-fi film Taking Earth over at Cultured Vultures. Check it out.


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