Clearance! All These Reviews Must Go!

Here's a bunch of reviews I never got around to finishing in 2013. Enjoy! Or not. Whatever. I still welcome our vampire zombie robot overlords.

The Heat

Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy play an Odd Couple of cops (see what I did there?) in this overlong action comedy. The ribald humor comes at a lightning pace, but the movie could have been trimmed by a solid half-hour. The feels kick in at the 3/4 mark, dragging the film to a halt. I laughed a lot, though.

Dr. Jin 

Purely by accident, I selected Dr. Jin, and it started playing. Since it started playing, I had to watch it. Here's what I think this Korean television show is about: A doctor travels back in time to a period when everyone wore extravagant hats, and then does a LOT of brain surgery in flashback. Sometimes when he does this strangely-gory-for-television brain surgery, he'll find gummy bear-esque fetuses within the patients' skulls. Then everyone has some sort of feelings. It's a lot like a Korean Grey's Anatomy, except if Grey's Anatomy took place in Seoul during the 19th century and had fewer sudsy lesbian sex scenes.

Head

Pre-fab pop group The Monkees star in this career-destroying musical. Completely plotless and consisting of pop surrealistic vignettes interspersed with vaguely anti-war and anti-commercial moments, I still really enjoyed it. It's a fascinating relic from the psychedelic age.

Brainiac (2007)

Formula 259 causes people to change into a humanoid creature with an exposed, pulsating brain that sucks its victims' brains out through their palates. No, not this Formula:

And not this Brainiac:

It's worse.

Brainiac (1962)

Since I was on a Brainiac roll, I decided to watch the 1962 version of Brainiac. I probably shouldn't have. After being burned at the stake, a Baron comes back to life after a poorly-rendered comet passes overhead. Unfortunately, he's now in the shape of a forked-tongued monster who sucks his victims' brains out of their eye-sockets and leaves them for dead in their boxer shorts. Brainiac is slow-moving and tedious, but it has its moments.

World War Z

That guy that's married to Angelina Jolie stars in this zombie action film. While it has its horrific moments, World War Z is more akin to an action-adventure movie than your typical zombie film. The zombies are like swarms of really bite-y lemmings. Do lemmings bite? Do they swarm? I don't know, but World War Z is very taut and thrilling, and effectively manages to dramatize worldwide chaos.

The Moleman Of Belmont Avenue

Two guys battle a moleman that lurks in an apartment building in this amateurish, nearly moleman-free horror comedy. Unfortunately, it's also lacking in horror and comedy. Honestly, it does have a very effective trailer, and watching the trailer makes me want to watch it again. I'm not going to, though.

And finally...

The Gospel According To Philip K. Dick

Conspiracy theories abound in this documentary about the visionary science fiction writer. Unfortunately, the endless interviews of fans, friends, and associates becomes tedious fairly quickly, and the film is not much to look at. The subject matter is fascinating, though.

Deceptive Practices: The Mysteries And Mentors Of Ricky Jay

Honestly, I'm a little unnerved by this documentary. Powerful wizards like Ricky Jay shouldn't just be walking around like he does. What if he decides to become a super-villain? The Earth would be destroyed. He can make all sorts of things disappear, and he can use playing cards as weapons.

He should be locked up in Arkham Asylum or the Phantom Zone. He's a menace.

Holiday traditions

I know you'll find this hard to believe, but the Deathrage household has quite a few winter holiday traditions. Like many households, we deck the halls. Begrudgingly, every year I head into the storage space and drag out our tannenbaum, which is the Charlie Brown tree they sold one year at Urban Outfitters.

I removed the red glass ornament that comes standard and replaced it with one in the shape of a pickle. Apparently, there's some sort of holiday tradition called weihnachtsgurke. I'm not fluent in German or phony holiday traditions, but I believe this translates to "hide the pickle", and I don't want anyone to be confused as to where the pickle is located.

Anyway, did you know there are stores that sell things that only cost a dollar? Neither did I! They're called Dollar Stores. I had no idea they existed, and I thought they stopped making dollar bills some time ago. Didn't the government stop making small bills because no one used them? I don't know.

Anyway, at the beginning of December, I ventured into a Dollar Store and purchased some festive garland and lights and other holiday crap and flung it willy-nilly around the penthouse. I got 25 feet of red and green fringed garland that wouldn't look out of place on a used car lot and a light blue Hawaiian luau-esque banner that was misspelled. Instead of "Merry X-Mas", it says "Happy Retirement".

Like many other families at the holidays, we play games to entertain ourselves because we're trapped in the penthouse with no escape because everything is closed for reasons I just can't seem to fathom. This year we held "The Deathrage Family ChristmOlympics", and everyone had to create a persona and dress in costume. Because she's a marathon runner, Mrs. Deathrage dressed as a 1928 female Olympian, and her name was Hilda Grembo Fallimento, which means "Hilda Womb Failure". Fun Fact: After the 1928 Olympics no female long distance running events were held until 1960 because of the perceived threat of women's wombs falling out. I'm no expert on running or the Olympics or wombs, but I would have to think the running officials wanted to keep the running field clear of wombs and placentas to protect the participants from a slipping hazard.

Some of the other events included "Create The Best Mixed Drink And Then Chug It Without Dropping The Decorative Plastic Mermaid And Tiny Umbrella", "Most Offensively Decorated Sugar Cookie", "The Person Who Can Do The Most Pushups Gets To Reach Into The Surprise Gift Box", and Cards Against Humanity. I was super-pumped about playing Cards Against Humanity, but I thought it was a game that destroys humanity, but it turned out to be just a vulgar card game.

After everyone went to sleep, and by "went to sleep" I mean "passed out", I sipped some egg nog watched some classic holiday movies, and by "sipped some egg nog and watched some classic holiday movies" I mean "retched while trying to force down egg nog and stayed up all night watching movies that are only vaguely holiday themed while making myself sick on offensively decorated sugar cookies". X-MAS!

The Thin Man

The Thin Man is the story of a couple of high society drunks who solve a screwball mystery. The film takes place at the holidays. It's witty and smart and one day I hope to be as suave and drunk as William Powell. I have a lot of stuff going for me in that department, so it should happen sometime soon. Maybe in 2014.

Elf

Elf is the story of a successful businessman who is pestered by a psychopathic manchild who thinks he's a holiday elf. There's no skimping on the holiday cheer with this horror film, as carols are sung, snowballs are flung, and syrup is applied to everything. Elf has its surreal moments, but it's pretty much a treacly, elf-filled nightmare.

Die Hard

Bruce Willis runs barefoot through a douchey, high-rise holiday party while things explode in this classic holiday action film. I'm not sure why Willis is dead-set on ruining the the holidays for a Japanese businessman and a German terrorist, but he does. While barefoot. Put on some damn shoes, Willis.

A Christmas Carol (1951)

And finally, another successful businessman is being tortured during the holidays in this horror film, only this time by 4 ghosts. It's pretty terrifying, especially as Jacob Marley drags his whiny ass into Scrooge's house, interrupts his sleep, gets all Judgey McJudgerson on Scrooge's dinner choices, and howls like a banshee while rattling chains. If I had a nickel for every time some holiday specter visited me in the night and tried to change my ways, I'd have 35 cents. I already have 35 cents, and it was the change for my Dollar Store purchase.

Little Debbies, robots, and an epiphany

I stopped at the small grocery near Deathrage Towers yesterday to pick up a couple of things for dinner. As usual, I was feeling lazy and bought stuff to throw together some burritos. Grabbing a basket, I threw in tomatoes, leafy greens, tortillas, and refried beans. Rounding the corner of one of the aisles, I saw my downfall.

I felt it was safe to go back into the grocery stores because I thought I had bought all the remaining boxes of Little Debbie Cherry Cordials. Alas, I did not. I scooped the remaining boxes into the basket, and checked out. When I got back to the penthouse, I prepared dinner. I don't know what you put on your burritos, but you're probably doing it wrong. Beans, greens, a variety of cheeses, sour cream, Cholula, and more pickled jalapenos than you can shake a stick at goes on my burrito. I ate two enormous burritos, then washed it down with half a box of Little Debbies. I can't help myself. I just love those awful, phony, cherry-like cookies. It's a shame they're only available at this time of year, but I'm also very glad. I probably wouldn't stop eating them year round. And those pickled jalapenos! I love those, too. I'd sit on the couch and eat them out of the jar with a fork if I could.

After a few minutes, I began to feel strange. I think I might have started to feel the human emotion known as regret. Emotions confuse me, and I try not to have them. Since I'm not very familiar with this emotion, I'll try to describe it to you. From what I gather, regret is that full, uncomfortable feeling when your stomach has expanded from eating two burritos bigger than your head and half a box of cough syrup-flavored goodies, but then again, I could be wrong.

Dressed in sweatpants, feeling slightly regretful, I settled in to watch some movies. I watched Goremet: Zombie Chef From Hell. Actually, I've watched several movies the past couple of days that I haven't reviewed here. I will include them in my next book, which will have a total of 100 completely new and unpublished reviews. You will have to pay for them if you want to read them. Sorry, but that's the way it is. You'll have to shell out some cash if you want to read my reviews for Viva Knievel, Meat From Satan's Icebox, and Ass Zombies: Toilet Of The Dead.

Unfortunately, doing the research for my review of Goremet: Zombie Chef From Hell is when I had my epiphany.

Apparently, none of you exist. It came to my attention that the only people who read my blog aren't people at all, but are vampire and zombie robots who troll the blogosphere reading blogs in preparation for their eventual conquering of the world. At first I was super pumped. While I don't exactly understand their seemingly ridiculous plan to overthrow the planet by reading blogs about bad movies or kittens or woodworking, I welcome our robotic overlords. But then I started thinking, which is rarely ever a good thing, that if most of my visits are of vampiric robots, then no one is actually reading my blog or buying my book. The vision I had in my head of the one dude in Russia who sits around his 12" black and white television in a state-controlled apartment wearing one of those furry hats in Siberia reading my blog is a sham.

What I thought was a carefully calculated effort to build a regular readership of people who could possibly purchase my book is a lie. What appeared to be a gradual increase in readership over the past couple of years is a fantasy. However, I'm not disappointed. If zombie robots like my blog, then so be it. I'll continue writing terrible reviews for zombie robots about terrible movies probably starring zombie robots, but if there are any actual human beings with cash out there reading this blog, buy my book. It makes a great gift for people you don't like very well.

http://stabforddeathrage.wix.com/stabford

Rewind This!

The history of the VHS format is outlined in this interesting but somewhat monotonous documentary. I found I became somewhat bored with the continuous stream of interviews with VHS collectors and low-budget film-makers, but I loved the clips of obscure and forgotten films from the VHS heyday of the 70s and 80s. I'm going to have to find some of the films featured in this documentary.

I'm particularly intrigued by David "Rock" Nelson's monster movies. The Devil Ant, Conrad Brooks Vs. The Werewolf, and The Giant Horny Toad Monster are all available from him via mail order, but I'm a little wary about purchasing a $20 burned DV-R. I've spent more money on less, I suppose.

Vine

https://vine.co/v/h0D9OrpJ7qB

C.O.G.

A young man leaves Yale to pick apples in this well-shot film based on an autobiographical essay by David Sedaris. Featuring the awkward, sad quirkiness of David Sedaris' writing but lacking his acerbic wit, I was expecting a laugh-out-loud riot of a film. C.O.G. is not a laugh-out-loud riot, however it does feature a beautiful score with music by Steve Reich.