Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Alice Through The Looking Glass

When I started this blog 300 years ago, it was my mission to watch every bad movie from beginning to end, no matter how bad, and no matter how much my soul cried out to stop, however little soul it's rumored I have. I stayed on task for the most part, but I seriously do not have the time to waste on the Mad Hatter.

An overly CGI'd children's adventure/accidental horror tale, Alice Through The Looking Glass begins with Alice commanding a ship through stormy seas, and ends with Johnny Depp's Easter-themed mismatched eyeshadow and nightmare-inducing china doll-like contact lenses. It was never my intention to stop watching this film just as Johnny Depp shows up, who looks like a ghastly pink skeleton wearing acrylic-looking orange ringlets and aggressively caterpillar-like eyebrows, because I don't believe it's fair to comment on an actor's appearance and to judge a film solely on his off-putting and distracting purple cheekbones, and how I kept wondering if his startling, inexplicable costuming had anything to do with 19th-century mercury poisoning from millinery, or if it merely an excuse to have the makeup department spend many thousands of dollars to make Johnny Depp look like a microwaved package of Peeps.

Why does he look this way? What is the point of it? Was there something wrong with this one?

Or this one?

If they're trying to copy this one, maybe less is more. More is certainly not more, which is also the case with Peeps, where zero is acceptable.


Anyway, if anyone has the answer, as to why the Mad Hatter looks the way he does, don't tell me, I'd rather not know. 

So, needless to say I didn't continue watching Alice Through The Looking Glass because the temptation was too great, and I know I wouldn't discuss how Anne Hathaway, Alan Rickman, Sacha Baron Cohen, Helena Bonham Carter, and Rhys Ifans' talents are squandered in a loud, garish, and hollow 'Wonderland', and I would be forced to mention that Johnny Depp's Mad Hatter looks like a satin and velveteen dumpster fire filled with Easter baskets, and that's not fair to anyone.

If you have a spare moment, check out my review of the film Death Race 2050 over at Cultured Vultures. I don't have much to say that's kind about that one, either.

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