On The Road Again

I'm hitting the road in a few hours for a much needed vacation. I've packed a few DVDs, so I might review a movie or two while I'm travelling, exploring, eating tater tots, and being awesome, but I can't guarantee it. In the meantime, enjoy this extremely appropriate music video of Willie Nelson performing "On The Road Again" at the Grand Ole Opry.

Greystone Park

Film-makers investigate a haunting in an abandoned mental asylum, and discover shaky cam, jump cuts, and sudden noises in this 'found footage' horror film. I really liked the scenes of ruin and decay from the set and the occasional unexplained figure who was often captured on videotape during the investigation, but ultimately the film was a not-very-scary Ghosthunters with better production values and an appearance by Oliver Stone. It's supposedly based on a true story, which kind of makes the ending a little ORLY?. Blair Witch Project, what hath thou wrought?

Black Rat

Someone in a plush rat head brandishing an aluminum baseball bat exacts some sort of revenge against scenery-chewing teens in this Japanese horror film, but it's not very interesting. Unfortunately, the version I saw had no subtitles, so I'm not entirely sure what happened. However, I was able to discern there were a few twists and turns, but they seemed somewhat unlikely. I mean, if you're covered in blood and carrying around a big stick or a baseball bat or an ax and you think your want to kill someone with it, wouldn't you try to hit your intended target or would you just telegraph your blows so they're easily deflected and the scene can go on for a few more minutes? I'm assuming that's what's happening since everyone in Black Rat knows just enough martial arts to get by, but it's hard to tell since there were no subtitles. Eh, whatever.

The Ghastly Love Of Johnny X

The Ghastly Love Of Johnny X is an homage to 50s sci-fi juvenile delinquent musicals which never existed. It's filled with vintage cars, stockings with seams, high heeled shoes, rear-screen projections, and entirely too many songs. The thing that really grinds my gears though is the mispronunciation of the name Xavier. It's not pronounced X-avier, it's pronounced Z-avier. I totally understand when Stan Lee does it when pronouncing it X-avier. It's because of the X-Men. It's still not okay, but I understand it. So if everyone could do me a big favor and stop pronouncing it X-avier, it would make me slightly less crazy. But only slightly.

More Half-Assed Reviews

I recently interfaced with my Internet Technology And Social Networking Team, and coordinated a round-table discussion on enriching my marketing concepts, reinforcing my online presence, and forwarding my brand. After approximately 15 minutes, the round-table discussion devolved into eating all my snack cakes and watching Youtube videos of nerds playing Minecraft. I'm not sure any of those things are actual things. So I shoved everyone down the elevator shaft and did it myself.

http://stabforddeathrage.wix.com/stabford

It's not very good, but there you go.

So I guess it's time to clean out some of the reviews from my drafts that I'm honestly never going to get around to finishing because I'm much too busy Googling myself.

L'Age d'Or

As you probably already know, I'm a big fan of surrealism, and L'Age D'Or is the granddaddy of all surrealism movies. Decades after it caused riots and was banned, it's still somewhat shocking. Yes, there's statue toe-sucking because that's fine.

Terror Of Mechagodzilla

Giant Japanese monsters battle one another and destroy a miniature Japan. Yep, that's pretty much it, although this time one of the monsters is mechanized. Terror Of Mechagodzilla is better than some of the other films in the Godzilla series, but it still boils down to the basic plot. Don't get me wrong, I'll watch a Godzilla movie at the drop of a hat, but there's not much else I can really say about them.

Godzilla's Revenge

Speaking of Godzilla, Godzilla sort of guest stars in this film about an irritating kid who encounters bank robbers and the rigid-faced son of Godzilla while chunks of other Godzilla movies occasionally play. It was irritating.

Paranorman

A young boy who can communicate with the dead is bullied in this cute animated film. It contains lots of references to horror films the kiddies probably won't get, and I was astonished at the intricate stop-motion animation techniques that were used. 

The History Of Future Folk

An alien's plan to destroy the world with a flesh-eating virus is sidetracked by bluegrass in this wry, clever film. I enjoyed The History Of Future Folk quite a bit, and I would love to see Future Folk perform live in Brooklyn next time I'm there. 

Shock Labyrinth

A group of Japanese teenagers discover spooky goings-on at a haunted fun-house or hospital, I think, in this horror film by the director of the Ju-On series. One of those now-typical long-haired Japanese ghosts wearing a white gown walks up a spiral staircase in a foreboding fashion, a helium party balloon drifts about in threatening manner, a plush rabbit backpack levitates and phases through walls for some reason, and various ghosts and bodies drop from a great height on people causing death and injury, but I'm not sure why. Featuring camera shadows and some unconvincing CGI, Shock Labyrinth seems to confuse a spiral staircase with a labyrinth and forgets to shock. The version of Shock Labyrinth I watched was in Japanese without English subtitles, so the entire film was nearly impenetrable.

Blood, Boobs And Beast

The director of the cult classic film Nightbeast is profiled in this low-budget documentary. Not only was Don Dohler a film director, but he also published underground comic books and worked with R. Crumb and Art Spiegelman. I didn't know that. Don Dohler seemed like a humble, down-to-earth guy who was a good sport about the fact his movies weren't very good. Now I have to find his movies Galaxy Invader, Alien Rampage, Harvester, Fiend, and Blood Massacre.