Saturday, February 8, 2014

The Strange And Deadly Occurrence

I've been trying to expand my online presence recently, and I have a whole bunch of new Twitter followers, and by "a whole bunch" I really mean 10. Taking that into consideration, I'm going to try to be on my best behavior and attempt to make a good first impression on my legion of new followers, who I'm almost certain aren't really people at all but are probably advertising spambots. Don't misunderstand me, I'm all for webpage views, even if they're views by advertising spambots. Unfortunately, I don't often make a very good first impression, even on advertising spambots. Keep in mind, though, that a startling, intimidating, and creepy first impression I'm very good at. Maybe it's the mask? I don't know. Regardless, I welcome my throngs of new advertising spambot followers, and I hope they enjoy reading my reviews of terrible movies that often don't have a lot to do with the movie itself. Kick off your shoes, Spambots, crack open a fresh box of Junior Mints, and hang out a while.

Anyway, I recently watched the 1970s television movie The Strange And Deadly Occurrence out of sheer boredom due to yet another polar vortex trapping me in my penthouse. Here's the plot: Something lurks in the bushes in this television mystery starring Robert Stack, and *spoiler alert*, it's probably a gopher. So yeah, Robert Stack moves his family into a California ranch-style home, and there's a hint of a backstory about some sort of disgruntled Hessian being buried on the property, but I didn't really pay much attention. The daughter is slightly attacked by a dressmaker's dummy, and a gopher jumps out of a kitchen cabinet. That just about sums it all up.

For some reason, people in the 70s needed other people to dial phones for them, and I'm not exactly sure why, considering there's a phone sitting right on the desk in front of them. It's kind of an Unsolved Mystery, for sure. Hey Robert Stack, are your arms broken and you can't lift a phone receiver? Your arms seem to work just fine when later in the movie you're half-heartedly forced at gunpoint to dig for buried treasure, so I suspect your arms are just fine.

By the way, is Robert Stack still alive? Oops, according to IMDB, he's not. Never mind, then.

Finally, the movie ends in a Scooby Doo-like fashion where the haunting ended up being caused not by a gopher but by Old Man Jenkins. Meh. The Strange And Deadly Occurrence was silly, somewhat overwrought, about a month too long, and mildly recommended if you like stuff that sucks.

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