Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Hayride 2

A guy in overalls, a burlap sack over his head, and a pitchfork preys on the survivors of the first film in this derivative, slow-moving, and surprisingly hayride-free horror film. Not being from the country, I found this film to be quite terrifying, but only because of its fashion choices. Since I feel the country is only suitable for driving through at high speeds getting from one megalopolis to another, I'm afraid that if I stop somewhere in the country I'll be forced by some inhuman monster to wear either burlap or overalls, be tied up in the woods and forced to eat freshly slaughtered chunks of pet rabbit, or go on a hayride. Could you imagine the horror of sitting in a wagon full of hay being carted around by a horse at the dizzying speed of one mile an hour looking at completely different piles of hay? I shudder at the thought.

Speaking of shuddering, I didn't shudder at all during Hayride 2, which seemed like a rural remake of Halloween 2, where people are murdered in a hospital by an unstoppable serial killer, far from any variety of hayrides. There is moment where someone is pitchforked in the chest until they're all squishy, but that apparently happens in the trunk of a police car, and not a slowly moving wagon full of hay. Filled with more feels than you can shake a wheat thresher at, a majority of the action in Hayride 2 consists of sitting around and talking about one's feelings, and if there's anything I hate more than burlap, overalls, the countryside, pitchforks, hayrides, or this movie, it's feelings.

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