Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Legends Of Santa

The history of The Jolly Old Elf is examined in this documentary.

Xmas sucks. Now, don't get upset. I hate every holiday. I'm of the mind that believes that holidays were invented just to distract us just long enough to stop killing one another for a day to two, which is why they've become so omnipresent, and I'm looking at you, National Bubblewrap Appreciation Day (that's January 25). I think if you celebrate every day for no apparent reason whatsoever, you don't need a special day to do it. And if you celebrate every day, you'll eventually be good at it, and you won't be one of those amateur party douches that overcompensates and vomits into a potted plant at the holiday get-together on New Year's, and St. Patrick's Day, and July 4th, and Labor Day, and pretty much every holiday involving a six-pack, which is all of them.

Anyway, back to Claus. Don't get me started on that guy. We go way back. My second cousin Krampus works for him. BTW, there's a documentary about Krampus currently in theaters (I haven't seen it). That's neither here nor there. Speaking of there, you might already be aware that I hung out with Santa this summer, when I took a road trip to visit him. I wouldn't say we get along that well.

No, I didn't drive to the North Pole, that's where he keeps his sweatshop, where he underpays elves to makes cruddy plastic toys they sell at the dollar stores. What, did you think he was some master artisan? Did you really think he was hand-tooling ornately carved wooden rocking horses? HA! Hardly. He hasn't picked up a chisel since 1849. It's all outsourcing, baby. And plastics. He's in it for the cash. If he was so altruistic, he'd be flying around giving everyone vaccines. Anyway, he lives in Santa Claus, Indiana. I spent the night in his hotel, and then we had an epic kung fu battle in a thunderstorm. And there was pie.

That's not important right now. Legends Of Santa details Santa's first Kickstarter, where he threw a bag of coins through someone's window in Turkey during the 3rd century. Head up, Claus, that's not how Kickstarters work, and that's not how banks work, and I'm pretty sure flinging a sack full of pennies willy-nilly is how vandalism works. Then all the squares got really upset about Saturnalia, which is one big ancient and decadent party involving vandalism, and they then decide Christmas would be a much better holiday, and by "better" I mean "way more lame, but with just as much, if not more, binge drinking". Then Santa lands a very lucrative sponsorship deal with Coca-Cola, and it's all downhill from there, as Xmas creeps into stores at the end of July and doesn't leave until Valentine's Day, even though secretly everyone wishes it wouldn't.

Sorry, I can't seem to find a trailer for Legends Of Santa, but I didn't try very hard. All this holiday stuff is starting to press my nerves, and Xmas is already a holly-jolly nightmare. Here's a trailer for that documentary about my second cousin I was telling you about.

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