The tenuous connections between the Holy Grail, the Merovingians, the film The Matrix, and about a thousand other things is examined in exhaustive detail in this dull, convoluted, speculative documentary. After a lengthy drum solo which is totally fine, the film starts as if the narrator was in mid-thought. Amidst footage of sunsets and the sound of indistinct whispering, various historical etymologies are discussed at length, and Leonardo Da Vinci is barely even brought up. Bulls and snakes are mentioned quite a bit, and the film meanders about before pulling a Gotcha moment at the very end and telling the viewer *spoiler alert* the whole Da Vinci-Holy Grail-Merovingian-Matrix-connection thing was in your imagination. I'm going to let you in on a secret: Da Vinci's Darkest Secret is very, very boring and probably somewhat disappointing to conspiracy theorists.
A vampire is accidentally awakened from his probably-not-made-from-real-stone crypt in this atmospheric Mexican horror film. Featuring misty cemeteries, lengthy shadows, barren trees, dramatic lighting, a crypt-like wax museum, a nearly empty hospital of some sort, and bats dangling from visible strings, a not-particularly-threatening vampire is unleashed after a thief removes the stake through his heart while trying to steal a very-important-to-the-plot medallion, and then there's two lackluster dance sequences. In spite of its low-budget, The Vampire's Coffin makes the most of lighting and atmosphere, and I was particularly impressed by the scene as the vampire is stalking a woman walking down a street, his cape billowing dramatically, as the lights cause his shadow to grow to enormous size, nearly engulfing her. The Vampire's Coffin is highly recommended if you like stuff that's kind of lousy.
A story of an alien encounter with the Loch Ness Monster is recounted very briefly in this dull speculative documentary. Featuring lengthy sped-up nausea-cam footage of the loch from a motorboat, lengthy close-ups of handmade rock figurines of Nessie, interviews with eyewitnesses, and footage of sea turtles, jellyfish, cuttlefish, and moray eels (which I don't believe are native to Loch Ness, but whatever), there's very little footage of Nessie herself. Instead, the filmmakers discuss some of the more infamous footage of Nessie without showing any of it, and then spend several minutes interviewing crew members of a loch cruise ship with some really dodgy hand-held camerawork. Suddenly, an anonymous 'high-level' scientist is interviewed about the one time he sighted both a UFO and the Loch Ness Monster, but it's very brief and takes place during the last few minutes of the film.
Zombie werewolves attack partiers in Canada in this dialogue-heavy, slow-moving horror film, and by "partiers" I really mean "stoners sitting around playing video games" and by "zombie werewolves" I really mean "regular werewolves wearing bad werewolf masks".
The film opens as a man and woman battle werewolves on some playground equipment, but it turns out to only be a poorly mic'd dream sequence. Suddenly, some poorly recorded wind blows through the trees as a guy runs over another guy in his car. Then there's a very lengthy and tedious party where people explore their feelings and get high on a terrible couch for like forever, and then someone eats a bagel. Suddenly, werewolves attack again, but it isn't very interesting, but what is vaguely interesting for a minute is the distracting smudge on the camera lens.
Did you know that they sell ketchup flavored potato chips in Canada? Neither did I, but it sounds revolting.
Speaking of chips, I recently had a chance to try Cheeseburger Flavored Pringles. I had no idea such a thing existed, either.
Being a vegetarian and a vehement avoider of McDonald's, I haven't had a McDonald's cheeseburger in years. These chips taste nearly exactly like what I remember a McDonald's cheeseburger to taste like. It's the weirdest thing. Slightly cheesy, slightly ketchupy, slightly pickley, slightly smoky, I enjoyed them, though I'm not much of a chip eater. I have a tendency to binge on them, and it's best I'm not around them. In fact, as I've been writing this, I've gone back to the kitchen 3 times for more chips. I'm about to throw them out the window.
Anyway, after the werwolf attack, the survivors flee for the supermarket where the parking lot is littered with severed body parts, and by "littered" I really mean "there's an arm and a foot and the reflection of the cameraman in the supermarket's windows". Suddenly, there's another dream sequence. It isn't very interesting, although an attempt has been made to have the footage look like old scratchy film, and I don't know about you, but very few of my dreams look that way, although they probably should. Suddenly, a completely different guy starts killing werewolves with a silver axe amidst some dodgy editing, then the cast discusses time zones in the refrigerator case near the bottled iced tea, and then they start discussing Constantinople near the dried spaghetti.
Suddenly, there's a terrific battle against the increasing swarm of werewolves, and by "terrific" I really mean "the werewolves desperately try to hold their terrible werewolves masks on", and then the movie ends, and not a moment too soon. Talky, boring, and featuring very few zombies of any variety, Zombie Werewolves Attack! has one thing going for it, and that's its 70 minute runtime.
A survival expert and a paranormal investigator spend the night in France's most haunted houses in this French TV series. Well-shot, with eerie images of the dark and dangerous interiors of crumbling, abandoned mansions, Dead Crossroads is very addictive, as episodes are only 15 minutes long. Functioning more as a show about illegal urban exploration, a few of the early episodes nothing paranormal seems to happen. Often the explorers have to deal with the living more than ghosts, where they sometimes have to hide from cops and prowlers.
The spooky stories combined with urban exploration makes an intriguing mix, which sets Dead Crossroads slightly apart from other paranormal shows. They use no technological tools like digital recorders or EMF detectors, it's just two dudes climbing through broken windows or trying not to fall through rotting floorboards. However, the program seems to be a mix of real footage enhanced with CGI-created special effects.
Utilizing interviews, drawings, and animations, this Russian documentary attempts to explain the many varied difficulties in locating a Yeti, postulating that it is due to the Yeti being capable of invisibility, mental telepathy, hypnosis, being able to stop time, whistling, riding in UFOs, giving people hangovers, and changing into stones or girls or trees or cats, none of which seems particularly likely. Thankfully, Yeti: The Last Witnesses is fairly brief, which is probably the only real positive I can think of for watching it other than unintentional LULZ.
Unfortunately, I can't seem to find a trailer, but the film is available to view on Amazon Prime.
A shark/UFO hybrid creature terrorizes Seattle or Bulgaria in this made-for-TV sci-fi film. After a tiny, unconvincingly animated UFO is eaten by an unconvincingly animated shark, it turns into an unconvincingly animated roboshark, and uses its whirling mechanical teeth to eat into the side of a submarine for some reason.
OK, I'm going to have to stop this review right here, because I already wrote in my notes for this film the phrase "<what's the point?>" with brackets and everything, because I was either giving up on life because of this film, or I could already tell that there were going to be gigantic plot holes that won't be satisfactorily explained, like why a UFO would come to Earth to be swallowed by a shark, because that seems like a really pointless way to take on the US Navy, but I'm pretty sure I just gave up on life.
Anyway, Roboshark heads to Seattle, and a military general makes the prescient observation that it was heading to Seattle because of Starbucks and Nirvana, because I've often noticed that Robosharks really like terrible corporate coffee and 90s grunge.
Then Roboshark eats a plane and goes viral, because I find that interplanetary travelers are often concerned about earthly click-through rates.
Suddenly, a barista gets a face-full of steam as Roboshark tunnels through the Earth and destroys a non-Starbucks coffeeshop, and a Go-Pro-clad bicycler gets eaten by Roboshark as he Wilhelm Screams.
A news weathergirl sent on assignment to do a spot on snow sees the whole ridiculous event, so she steals the news van and takes an unconvincingly green-screened trip to a waste treatment plant where Roboshark leaps out of the solids tank. Roboshark then heads for the mall, which is filled with suspicious stores named Authentic, More And More, and Home, and it destroys the mall as the military checks the mall map for Roboshark's location and as they shoot amidst unconvincingly fleeing bystanders. The mall Roboshark attack footage is uploaded to social media while a generic pop-rock soundtrack plays during a regular-people-internetting montage, and everyone retweets and likes it because I guess people will click on just about anything. Then an admiral crushes a can of energy drink in a threatening manner.
Suddenly, Bill Gates shows up, and someone mentions the phrase THX-1138. I'm not sure why.
Then Bill Gates is eaten by Roboshark, but not before he utters the phrase, "It's full of stars". Why did he say that? Unknown.
Then someone says, "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few". I'm not sure why.
Then Roboshark gets a smiley face emoji on the internet, and it becomes a friendly Roboshark. I'm not sure why. Then Roboshark phones home.
Then the movie ends, and not a moment too soon.
Roboshark was pretty terrible, but I enjoyed the multiple film references. Unfortunately, I'm still not entirely sure what the point of the film was. Roboshark is mildly recommended if you like stuff that sucks or references to other, better movies not involving sharks.
