Thursday, September 3, 2015


A shark/UFO hybrid creature terrorizes Seattle or Bulgaria in this made-for-TV sci-fi film. After a tiny, unconvincingly animated UFO is eaten by an unconvincingly animated shark, it turns into an unconvincingly animated roboshark, and uses its whirling mechanical teeth to eat into the side of a submarine for some reason.

OK, I'm going to have to stop this review right here, because I already wrote in my notes for this film the phrase "<what's the point?>" with brackets and everything, because I was either giving up on life because of this film, or I could already tell that there were going to be gigantic plot holes that won't be satisfactorily explained, like why a UFO would come to Earth to be swallowed by a shark, because that seems like a really pointless way to take on the US Navy, but I'm pretty sure I just gave up on life.

Anyway, Roboshark heads to Seattle, and a military general makes the prescient observation that it was heading to Seattle because of Starbucks and Nirvana, because I've often noticed that Robosharks really like terrible corporate coffee and 90s grunge.

Then Roboshark eats a plane and goes viral, because I find that interplanetary travelers are often concerned about earthly click-through rates.

Suddenly, a barista gets a face-full of steam as Roboshark tunnels through the Earth and destroys a non-Starbucks coffeeshop, and a Go-Pro-clad bicycler gets eaten by Roboshark as he Wilhelm Screams.

A news weathergirl sent on assignment to do a spot on snow sees the whole ridiculous event, so she steals the news van and takes an unconvincingly green-screened trip to a waste treatment plant where Roboshark leaps out of the solids tank. Roboshark then heads for the mall, which is filled with suspicious stores named Authentic, More And More, and Home, and it destroys the mall as the military checks the mall map for Roboshark's location and as they shoot amidst unconvincingly fleeing bystanders. The mall Roboshark attack footage is uploaded to social media while a generic pop-rock soundtrack plays during a regular-people-internetting montage, and everyone retweets and likes it because I guess people will click on just about anything. Then an admiral crushes a can of energy drink in a threatening manner.

Suddenly, Bill Gates shows up, and someone mentions the phrase THX-1138. I'm not sure why.

Then Bill Gates is eaten by Roboshark, but not before he utters the phrase, "It's full of stars". Why did he say that? Unknown.

Then someone says, "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few". I'm not sure why.

Then Roboshark gets a smiley face emoji on the internet, and it becomes a friendly Roboshark. I'm not sure why. Then Roboshark phones home.

Then the movie ends, and not a moment too soon.

Roboshark was pretty terrible, but I enjoyed the multiple film references. Unfortunately, I'm still not entirely sure what the point of the film was. Roboshark is mildly recommended if you like stuff that sucks or references to other, better movies not involving sharks.

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