Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Zombie Werewolves Attack!

Zombie werewolves attack partiers in Canada in this dialogue-heavy, slow-moving horror film, and by "partiers" I really mean "stoners sitting around playing video games" and by "zombie werewolves" I really mean "regular werewolves wearing bad werewolf masks".

The film opens as a man and woman battle werewolves on some playground equipment, but it turns out to only be a poorly mic'd dream sequence. Suddenly, some poorly recorded wind blows through the trees as a guy runs over another guy in his car. Then there's a very lengthy and tedious party where people explore their feelings and get high on a terrible couch for like forever, and then someone eats a bagel. Suddenly, werewolves attack again, but it isn't very interesting, but what is vaguely interesting for a minute is the distracting smudge on the camera lens.

Did you know that they sell ketchup flavored potato chips in Canada? Neither did I, but it sounds revolting.

Speaking of chips, I recently had a chance to try Cheeseburger Flavored Pringles. I had no idea such a thing existed, either.

Being a vegetarian and a vehement avoider of McDonald's, I haven't had a McDonald's cheeseburger in years. These chips taste nearly exactly like what I remember a McDonald's cheeseburger to taste like. It's the weirdest thing. Slightly cheesy, slightly ketchupy, slightly pickley, slightly smoky, I enjoyed them, though I'm not much of a chip eater. I have a tendency to binge on them, and it's best I'm not around them. In fact, as I've been writing this, I've gone back to the kitchen 3 times for more chips. I'm about to throw them out the window.

Anyway, after the werwolf attack, the survivors flee for the supermarket where the parking lot is littered with severed body parts, and by "littered" I really mean "there's an arm and a foot and the reflection of the cameraman in the supermarket's windows". Suddenly, there's another dream sequence. It isn't very interesting, although an attempt has been made to have the footage look like old scratchy film, and I don't know about you, but very few of my dreams look that way, although they probably should. Suddenly, a completely different guy starts killing werewolves with a silver axe amidst some dodgy editing, then the cast discusses time zones in the refrigerator case near the bottled iced tea, and then they start discussing Constantinople near the dried spaghetti.

Suddenly, there's a terrific battle against the increasing swarm of werewolves, and by "terrific" I really mean "the werewolves desperately try to hold their terrible werewolves masks on", and then the movie ends, and not a moment too soon. Talky, boring, and featuring very few zombies of any variety, Zombie Werewolves Attack! has one thing going for it, and that's its 70 minute runtime.


  1. Hmmm... sounds like a must-miss. Too bad, because it probably could have been fun. On a side note, I tried the ketchup-flavored chips when I visited Canada last year, and they're better than they sound. But then again, that's just me...