Thursday, September 3, 2015

James Batman

Batman, Robin, and some guy named James battle a vaguely communist threat from the nefarious CLAW organization in this Batman film from the Philippines. After a few moments of stock atomic bomb and post-typhoon footage, the leader of CLAW shoots gun-disabling finger beams at a guy and then disappears in a puff of smoke. Meanwhile in the Batcave, Batman and Robin smoke and drink coffee while discussing the possibility of meeting some chicks. Then Batman slides down the Batpole and eats rice from a briefcase and garnishes it with olives from his utility belt. He whips out his telescopic Batfork/Batcommunicator (which is an invention that's well overdue) and wipes his food-covered hands on Robin's cape.

Batman and Robin take a ride in their enormous Batmobile while the James Bond theme plays for some reason. Don't tell me it has something to do with this movie being a weird James Bond/Batman hybrid, because I refuse to believe it due to a plaid fedora, and if you haven't noticed, blatantly misunderstanding key elements of a film are kind of my thing. After being attacked by machine gun fire and threatened with a bomb, the Not-Exactly Dynamic Duo disappears in a puff of smoke and then fisticuffs ensue, but I'm unsure where all the guys with machine guns disappear to. Robin gets a beatdown, and then everyone discovers why capes aren't especially effective during hand-to-hand combat with members of an evil syndicate, because capes nearly always get wrapped around the heroes' heads as they escape. In a revealing sequence, Robin removes Batman's tights while they're dangling from a building, and it's revealed that Batman wears tighty-whiteys. During another dramatic escape sequence because it kind of seems like Batman and Robin spend most of their time escaping from stuff, the Batmobile squirts oil on the road and sets it alight, and Robin puts a lightbulb in his mouth and Batman calls him a freak.

Suddenly, James is involved in a gross, overly-plaid love sequence in extreme, blurry close-up, and it doesn't seem to involve Batman and Robin at all, for some reason. In an extended Batman-free sequence, a woman is punched in the crotch and someone else's pants smoke. I'm not sure why.

Suddenly, Joker, Penguin, and Catwoman sort of appear, but I'm not sure if the film-makers completely understand who these characters are, because Catwoman is called something else entirely even though it's pretty obvious she's supposed to be Catwoman, and Joker looks a little like he's in the Velvet Underground, and by "a little" I really mean "someone should hand him guitar because he's already wearing the cool shades".

Then someone crawls around underneath a palm frond.

Suddenly, Batman and Robin show up amidst a cool jazz soundtrack, and then a chick asks Batman out to dinner. Masked chicks with machine guns chase another chick wearing a bathing suit, and I don't really have anything negative to say about that. Then Batman, Robin, James, the bathing suit chick, and her mom and dad are captured by the machine gun chicks. The leader of CLAW blah-blah-blahs for nearly forever, then one of the masked chicks gets vaporized by a giant, metallic claw statue.

Suddenly, Johnny comes to the rescue! Who's that? I don't know. But it results in a lengthy fight sequence involving James, Johnny, Catwoman, Joker, and Penguin in some sort of factory. I'm not sure why. Then Robin inexplicably uses a gun, and then the movie ends and not a moment too soon.

Considering how little Batman and Robin actually appear in James Batman, it surprisingly has more Batman and Robin action than actual Batman movies, so go figure. James Batman is recommended if you like stuff that sucks.

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