Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Snakes On A Train

10 or 11 snakes are covered in lime jello, fall into or out of people's mouths, live in jars, and sometimes unconvincingly appear to wreak havoc on a m'f'n train in this Asylum film. 6 or 8 passengers ride a train, and I'm not sure that's a thing people still do. I once saw a circus train travelling somewhere; so I know circus animals and carnies travel by train, but I don't think anyone else does. Since there are so many clips of stock footage of various types of trains standing in for the one that gets swallowed by an enormous snake like the one seen above, I'm still not convinced a single one of them carries passengers.  The interior of the train's windows are all nearly blacked-out, and the sumptuous vinyl upholstery of the train's sets could all use a little freshening up. Maybe they could use a little K-Tel Vinyl Repair:

Anyway, only a couple of cars on the train contain illumination; so what little action happens is barely visible, and it doesn't really matter because the action only consists of sweating, vomiting snakes, smoking, punching tickets, and the cast homo-erotically shooting one another. Snakes On A Train takes itself very seriously, sort of like what would happen if Zalman King directed a snakes-on-a-train disaster film. It's boring and dreary. I watched Snakes On A Train on Netflix. Here's a trailer:

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