Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Sand Sharks


The smarmy kid from Parker Lewis Can't Lose attempts to throw a music festival on a beach being attacked by sharks that swim through sand in this nonsensical horror-comedy. I was going to start this review off with a bang and insert a clip from the 1990s TV show Parker Lewis Can't Lose, but watching them made me throw up in my mouth. So I'm not going to.


Dammit. I think I just urped up a granola bar. It's just so awful. The show, not the granola bar. Well, it's not so great a second time. Speaking of awful, let's get back to the movie.

So a guy rides a dirt bike on the beach, and the camera is visible in the reflection of his helmet. Then he's eaten by a poorly rendered CGI sand shark. Then there's a montage of young people doing beach-related things on a beach, and I think that granola bar is coming up again. Don't get me wrong, I love the beach. I just hate bugs, and sun, and young people, and fun, and young people having fun. Then someone says, "We can't have you running around with guns chasing after some fish" and that seems fine. Then someone holds up a rubber shark fin in front of the camera in lieu of special effects and that seems fine. The we get to the actual 'music festival' part of the movie, and this music festival consists of tens of evenly spaced people running in terror back and forth in front of the camera while being chased by poorly rendered CGI shark fins that look like moth wings and that seems fine. Then someone says "This island's going to be crawling with sharks" and that seems fine but you shouldn't trust me because I've been burping up granola bar.


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