Thursday, January 9, 2014

Death Machines

According to IMDB, the synopsis for Death Machines is, and I quote, so don't get mad at me because I didn't write it; 'An evil Oriental Dragon Lady injects three martial arts fighters with a serum that turns them into zombie-like assassins, and she sends them out against her enemies'. I'm not sure I believe that. I was watching Death Machines on Youtube while in bed and I had the sound down very, very low so it wouldn't wake Mrs. Deathrage. Anyway, since the sound was turned down very low, I turned on the Closed Captioning. I own Death Machines on the DVD 50-pack called Sci-Fi Invasion, but I was too lazy to get up and put it in the laptop. The closed captioning was a little wacky, so I have no idea what this movie is about.

Here's what my take on this film was: Some dudes fight with absurdly long sticks, and then a sniper is thrown off a building. Then a guy in a phone booth gets runs over by a guy driving a bulldozer.

Hold on. Let's go back to the stick fighting guys for a second. Sticks are not exactly inconspicuous. I mean, who just carries those around with them waiting for eskrima to break out on a bamboo bridge suspended over a serene koi pond filled with lily pads? I don't, and I know a little stick fighting. It's one of my many super powers. By the way, eskrima is a Filipino martial art, but that's not important right now.

If someone saw you on a bamboo bridge carrying a long pointy stick or a couple of swords, odds are everyone (including your potential enemy) would avoid that area, even if it's a picturesque bridge over a nice pond. Everybody would be like, "Hey, let's not cross that bamboo bridge over the koi pond, because there's a loony blocking the way wielding a pointy stick. I've seen Monty Python And The Holy Grail. We should take the long way around."

Anyway, I'm having a little difficulty following the plot because the closed captions are a little faulty.

I'm not sure what that means. I think it's important, but I'm not sure. I don't see anyone in the cast with that name.

I'm not sure what Fear Closet Friday is, but I would pay good money to watch that movie. It seems like it would be more interesting than Death Machines.

Here's the pitch for the blockbuster film Fear Closet Friday, coming soon to a theatre near you: Some mad scientist stores his/her Death Machines (which I'm assuming would be robots from outer space with eyes that shoot laser beams and buzz saws for hands) and mind-controlled zombies (which would be actual zombies and not stick fighting martial artists) in the Fear Closet, and on Friday this mad scientist guy releases them from the Fear Closet onto an unsuspecting world to wreak havoc, but only on a Friday. See, that's a much better movie than this one. Someone should write that.

Anyway, somebody orders a burrito or spaghetti (It's somewhat hard to tell from this print), and there's a miniature Buddha in it. Then a truck runs into the restaurant, nearly killing the diner who ordered the burrito. Then another stick fight breaks out, and then a guy eats a sandwich.

To summarize, I don't recall there being any Sci-Fi Invasion-like Death Machines in the film Death Machines, and I don't remember any mind-controlled zombies. Death Machines should have been called Stick Fighters, A Chick With Gigantic Hair, And Two Unappetizing Meals, but I'm certain that title is too long for a marquee.

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