Alice Through The Looking Glass

When I started this blog 300 years ago, it was my mission to watch every bad movie from beginning to end, no matter how bad, and no matter how much my soul cried out to stop, however little soul it's rumored I have. I stayed on task for the most part, but I seriously do not have the time to waste on the Mad Hatter.

An overly CGI'd children's adventure/accidental horror tale, Alice Through The Looking Glass begins with Alice commanding a ship through stormy seas, and ends with Johnny Depp's Easter-themed mismatched eyeshadow and nightmare-inducing china doll-like contact lenses. It was never my intention to stop watching this film just as Johnny Depp shows up, who looks like a ghastly pink skeleton wearing acrylic-looking orange ringlets and aggressively caterpillar-like eyebrows, because I don't believe it's fair to comment on an actor's appearance and to judge a film solely on his off-putting and distracting purple cheekbones, and how I kept wondering if his startling, inexplicable costuming had anything to do with 19th-century mercury poisoning from millinery, or if it merely an excuse to have the makeup department spend many thousands of dollars to make Johnny Depp look like a microwaved package of Peeps.

Why does he look this way? What is the point of it? Was there something wrong with this one?

Or this one?

If they're trying to copy this one, maybe less is more. More is certainly not more, which is also the case with Peeps, where zero is acceptable.

 

Anyway, if anyone has the answer, as to why the Mad Hatter looks the way he does, don't tell me, I'd rather not know. 

So, needless to say I didn't continue watching Alice Through The Looking Glass because the temptation was too great, and I know I wouldn't discuss how Anne Hathaway, Alan Rickman, Sacha Baron Cohen, Helena Bonham Carter, and Rhys Ifans' talents are squandered in a loud, garish, and hollow 'Wonderland', and I would be forced to mention that Johnny Depp's Mad Hatter looks like a satin and velveteen dumpster fire filled with Easter baskets, and that's not fair to anyone.

If you have a spare moment, check out my review of the film Death Race 2050 over at Cultured Vultures. I don't have much to say that's kind about that one, either.

https://culturedvultures.com/death-race-2050-netflix/

The Lobster

Single people must find a romantic partner in 45 days or face being turned into an animal and released into the wild in this absurd dystopian horror/comedy.

Unconscious, tranquilized loners lie on the ground, recently captured during a hunt, as their comrades are placed upon luggage trolleys and loaded into vans. A man smashes his face against a bedside table to bring on a nosebleed to better relate to his potential mate. A woman gives a sincere goodbye stroke to the mane of a golden-haired pony. A couple makes sure they have their marriage papers in order after being confronted by police. Fugitives wearing headphones dance in a dark forest to barely perceptible electronic music.

Ironic and brutal, The Lobster is leisurely paced, and beautifully filmed. It's a quietly horrifying and wryly comic film.

As with my previous reviews, I was going to somehow review The Lobster as a documentary, to comment on the current state of affairs around the world as it becomes the dystopia that has been so often reflected in art, literature, and film. I don't see the point anymore.

It's fine.

While I'm being chased through the forest as I futilely try to resist an incomprehensible, inescapable future that pursues me, why don't you pass the time by checking out my review of the paranormal TV show Rescue Mediums at Cultured Vultures?

https://culturedvultures.com/netflix-rescue-mediums/

Lo and Behold

Werner Herzog presnts a chilling look at the history of the internet and its impact on civilization in this chilling horror film. Starting at the very beginning of the internet in a nondescript room at a California college in 1969, touching on some of the major milestones, and a few XXXXXXXX

Featuring interviews with notable 

Featuring interviews with notable scientists, inventors, billionaires, and hackers, Lo and Behold examines a wor l d
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In a remarkable sequence, the phrase is uttered, 'Civilization is 4 square meals away from ruin', and
In a remarkable sequence, the phrase is uttered, 'Civilization is 4 square meals away from ruin', and XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

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In a remarkable sequence, the phrase is uttered, 'Civilization is 4 square meals away from ruin', andXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

abandon earth 

artificial intelligence

tweet

cyber warfare 

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go short on consumer stocks                go long on military stocks                                     start a war

ICYMI, I reviewed the 13 Worst Films of 2016 at Cultured Vultures, but be careful. Werner Herzog says computer aren't so great, and I'd probably listen to him.

http://culturedvultures.com/worst-movies-2016/

Fight Club

Young men disillusioned by consumerism, corporate culture, and Swedish furniture are violently indoctrinated into a fascist underground boxing club involved in organized mischief and soap making by a mentally unhinged, charismatic, nihilistic, insomniac businessman in this terrifying, dangerous documentary. An unreliable narrator gives an account of his exploitation of mental health programs, his disruption of insurance industries, and his infatuation with affordable flat-pack furniture. After a real estate crisis, he meets an audacious, charismatic businessman, who then creates an army of violent, fascists soldiers which attempts to destroy the world's financial systems through creative vandalism. Do we have a clip? What do you know? We do!

https://youtu.be/4X35q_A-two

I'm sorry, it looks as though hackers replaced my clip from the documentary Fight Club with a news clip reporting on the recent occurrence of fights breaking out in malls across the US that were allegedly organized through social media.

Huh. How odd.

https://youtu.be/SUXWAEX2jlg

ICYMI, I reviewed the Worst Films of 2016 at Cultured Vultures.

http://culturedvultures.com/worst-movies-2016/

Female Trouble

A fame-hungry woman drunk on crime, glamor, and liquid eyeliner joins a group of militant hairdressers in a post-truth, economically devastated Rust Belt city in this horrifying, anarchic documentary. In a world where children are actively dissuaded from learning about presidents, wars, numbers, or science, where crime enhances beauty, where discourse consists of screaming and shouting, and where spaghetti is hurled, egotistical businessman Donald Dasher enlists a mentally fragile, easily militarized woman to become a criminal fashion model on an outrageous, popular TV show, and exploiting her narcissism by encouraging her to bounce on a trampoline and kiss fish, which results in riots and violence amongst its viewers. Through vanity, elitism, and ignorance, Dasher manipulates the masses to their own collective downfall and destruction, and through creative twisting of the truth, escapes punishment for his own deplorable crimes. An unblinking look at a troubling criminal justice system and a dysfunctional media which takes no blame for the damaging famous-for-being-famous 'celebrities' it creates, Female Trouble is a shocking, explicit documentary that pulls no punches.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZK_4ILe2Iq4

ICYMI, I reviewed the 13 Worst Films of 2016 at Cultured Vultures.

http://culturedvultures.com/worst-movies-2016/

Duck Soup

A money-hungry, inept, misogynistic, hawkish, philandering, nepotistic autocrat ridicules his cabinet, antagonizes foreign powers, and plunges his debt-ridden country into a destructive war and general anarchy in this terrifying, absurd documentary.

Shot in glorious black-and-white and utilizing advanced, state-of-the-art CGI to recreate the look and atmosphere of an 80-year old film, Duck Soup is a startling political documentary. Following the exploits of an upstart, frustrated entertainer-turned-politician as he endangers his country through mockery, mismanagement, and misogyny, allows nepotism to run rampant which ruins small, citrus-based businesses, and passive-aggressively issues absurd threats of violence, all of which sets his beleaguered country on an inescapable path to catastrophe, it's a chilling look at current events.

Don't forget to check out my Top 13 Worst Films of 2016 over at Cultured Vultures.

http://culturedvultures.com/worst-movies-2016/

Batman Vs. Superman: Dawn Of Justice

Normally here I would do a quick summary of the film I'm going to review. I'm not going to do that, because I assume you've heard of the two frowning superdudes pictured above.

So, here we go. Let's pretend for a moment you're unfamiliar with the origins of Batman, because honestly, DC seems to think you've been in a cave for the past 80 years, which requires yet another filmic recap of how Bruce Wayne became Batman. In fact, there's a show on TV doing just that, explaining the origin of Batman and it's taking nearly forever. Plus, it's free, and you don't have to go to the theater and spend $10 on popcorn. Just turn on the TV, and there it is. Did I happen to mention this film is 3 hours long? Any Batman origin should absolutely be left on the cutting room floor. No one needs it, especially when your butt is falling asleep.

I'm going to admit that I didn't see Man Of Steel, and I assume that Batman Vs. Superman is a continuation of that film. I'm just not a fan of Supes, and I'm even less a fan of a dour, megalomaniacal, fascist Superman. Look, I don't want to suggest that we go back to the silly '50s and '60s Superman, you know, like the issue where he battles Dr. Supernatural and his Execution Buzzard.

Actually, I think I would rather see '60s Supes battle a buzzard than Modern Mopey Supes battling Twitchy Luthor any day. More on that later. These modern, 'adult' versions of these heroes are boring and angsty and seem to take a lot of baths, and it's somewhat of a rip-off. Don't you remember heading out to purchase a Batman action figure when you were younger, or back in 1997, or last week, or whatever, and they didn't have any 'classic' Batman figures and they only had Battle Board Batman and his stupid pastel purple suit?

Yeah, that. It's dumb. I'm not an obsessive fanboy demanding 80 years of canonical backstory. Put someone in the suit, put the suit in the car, and save the freakin' world. That's all I ask. And not The Tumbler. I mean the freakin' Batmobile. It's. Not. That. Hard.

Speaking of saving the world, there's a thrilling sequence in this film where Supes battles an alien, resulting in mass destruction. Does it have anything to do with the Man Of Steel? I don't know. It was an exciting scene, and since it was an exciting scene, it's over pretty quickly. Then Twitchy Lex Luthor appears. Why is Jesse Eisenberg in this film? I like him. He was great in The Social Network. He is astonishingly miscast as Luthor. He twitches and spouts non sequiturs, and appears to have attended several classes at the Johnny Depp Acting School, where no take is a good take unless it's a triple take.

And of course, Wayne Manor is in ruin, which is a slight step up from always being infiltrated in the movies. And Batman has premonitions about a future dystopia where Supes is a fascist because of course he does. That's one of Bats' many superpowers. And don't forget the gadgets! Batman uses a blinking transponder to locate Kryptonite, yet it was right there in LexCorp all along. I certainly wouldn't want to be the guy to explain to Batman that the thing that could kill Superman is probably concealed at the lair of his archenemy, because heck, what do I know?

Convoluted, slow-moving, unnecessarily long, and very, very serious, Superman Vs. Batman: Dawn Of Justice plays like dozens of tiny, ponderous, barely-connected mini-movies, all of which are dreary. Thrilling and terrible in equal measure, the thrills are almost instantly forgotten once they're over. It's no fun. It does have the very best CGI money can buy, well, except for that moment with Supes in space, which was embarrassing. Oh yeah, I forgot. The Justice League makes a pointless money grab of a cameo, and it's a huge letdown. However, any scene featuring Wonder Woman is fantastic, and there's not nearly enough of her. You know what they should do? Make a movie about her.

Head over to Cultured Vultures, where I complained about the film Most Likely To Die.

http://culturedvultures.com/most-likely-to-die-netflix/