I watch terrible movies so you don't have to #1: Human Centipede
Everyone should take this introductory movie review on my blog as a terrible omen of things to come. As a holiday bonding experience, my family and I sat beside the roaring metaphoric fire of the television screen and our new AppleTV doohicky and watched The Human Centipede. Maybe I'm jaded. Maybe I've seen too many awful movies. Maybe I'm just plain crazy. As a modern horror film, I found it to be fairly meh. I am not going to comment on the scatological elements of this "film"; merely its competence as far as filmmaking ability, quality of screenwriting, and the talent of the various actors. There was none. Kudos to the filmmakers for doing so much with so little. Referencing the "less is more" philosophy of Jacques Tourneur without the aptitude, there is very little blood shown for a modern "torture porn" horror film but plenty of shots of people on their hands and knees, inexplicable interior to exterior shots without any reference to the passage of time or how anyone got there, ineffective police and/or detective work, no characterization until 10 minutes before the end of the film, and close-ups of actors grimacing menacingly for extended periods of time in an effort to drag 4 pages of screenplay into 92 minutes of screen time. Extremely unpleasant, nauseating and nonsensical. Avoid, but if you can't control yourself, it's available on Netfix Instant Streaming.