Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Sword Of The Valiant: Terrible Movies #79
Miles O'Keefe plays Sir Gawain with some tragic bangs and looks remarkably similar to Sybil Danning in need of a quality hair conditioner. Sean Connery rides in on a horse wearing antlers and man-glitter and looking remarkably similar to a leafy Paul Stanley or possibly a very metal Lucky Charms leprechaun with a codpiece. Miles lops Sean's head off with an absurd ax, though the resulting severed head on the floor now lying several yards away with its mouth opening and closing like a trout doesn't look much like Sean Connery, and then it's on like Donkey Kong. Sort of. The next hour and a half or so is very slowly paced with various Round Table-y hi-jinks, where unicorny things happen, rainbows appear, and gauntlets are thrown. There are many awkward fight scenes (one of which involves a basket of cabbage), and silver lame, puffy shirts, fur stoles and ridiculous headgear are worn, and you often wonder if the cast is in drag and they just don't know it. You hope someone would talk about shrubberies, or gallop in and bang coconuts together, or a homicidal rabbit might appear; but it never happens. An Arthurian nightmare. On Netflix Instant Streaming.