Monday, June 27, 2011

Season Of The Witch: Terrible Movies #146

14th Century sword-wielding Nicolas Cage somehow drags an accused plague-causing witch in a cage with wheels over a very unlikely bridge to a distant city for her trial. Here's the breakdown: unconvincing CGI, unconvincing green-screen effects, unconvincing hair-piece, nondescript transient accents, corny dialogue and nonsensical contradictions. I spent much of the movie watching Cage's drifting hairline, LOL-ing at howl-inducing dialogue like, "They didn't know the darkness that almost was", and marveling at the idea of a former Crusader inventing the concept of sterilization 500 years before Tichenor's use of antiseptics in 1861. I mean seriously, Wikipedia is right there, on the Internet, for anyone to use, and it's free. How about doing 30 whole seconds of research? I'm a dumbass and I was able to look that up. Hold on a moment, let me Google that for you:

So, yeah. It has an intriguing opening sequence that doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the movie and some grody purpura due to disseminated intravascular coagulation-inspired makeup work (oh look at that, more information from Wikipedia). There's also more werewolves, demons and zombies than actual witches, I guess. It's hard to tell. If you figure that out, let me know, because I'm not watching this movie again. I pay-per-viewed this mess, and I'm not sure why. Here's a trailer, which pretty much gives the entire movie away so maybe you should just watch something else:

In fact, here's a grainy video of Donovan singing "Season Of The Witch", and although it's only 3 minutes long it's somehow better than this movie.

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