Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Track Of The Moonbeast: Terrible Movies #147

The film opens with what appears to be footage of a flaming s'more danging from a string hovering in space. Then a shirtless dude and a chick in short-shorts awkwardly meet-nice and it makes you want to die a little. Do we have a clip? Great!

It hurts to watch but you somehow can't look away. Yikes. Anyway, everyone eats stew outdoors while watching TV and discussing lizards. You don't need to see that. Some time later, Shirtless Dude and Ms. Short-shorts say they've climbed a 10,000 foot mountain in the dark. It's very doubtful they did this. Suddenly, Shirtless Dude is struck in the forehead by a hunk of "lunar" meteorite, which conveniently causes him to collapse on top of Ms. Short-shorts. Then Shirtless Dude says, "I've got all kinds of antiseptic in my medicine cabinet at my place", they go back to his place, and he shows her his giant lizard. You know, this sounds a lot dirtier than it really is. He has a giant lizard in a cage at his house. Really. I'm not sure why.

For some reason, a band plays a mellow country-rock song called "California Lady" that doesn't really forward the plot and sums up what made the early 70's so insufferable, there's some confusing pajama-related editing, and someone flubs their lines. Do we have a clip? We do? Awesome!

I'm so glad you got to see that because it's just awful and you probably wouldn't have believed me. Anyway, a drunk bowler is killed but you only hear him scream, a woman in a muumuu suffers a heart attack and you only get to see the sad downward drifting of the camera as she clutches her heart in a nondescript fashion, and there's an unconvincing monster attack in a tent. There's shoddy camerawork, poorly lit night scenes, suspenseful tuba, an incomprehensible script, and suspect science. There's unconvincing man-fainting, unconvincing archery, unconvincing mountain climbing, an unconvincing groan-inducing kiss lacking any semblance of chemistry, an unconvincing motorcycle crash, an unconvincing station wagon scene, a LOL-inducing transformation scene with inexplicable fade-out, and a completely convincing store called "Coins and Guns" owned by a Colonel Sanders lookalike.

Here's a brief list of some of the dialogue you'll hear:
"Moonrock? Oh WOW!"
"This is the normal situation, just to give you an idea."
"He became a demon-lizard-monster."
"There's been a definite growth."
"Everything is authentic Indian."
"If I have to die, I want to die looking like a man."
"One Indian mystery...solved."

You'll have to see it to believe it.

Summing up, everything about this movie is completely dreadful. In fact, if you love stuff that sucks, you may end up marrying this movie and buying a house in the suburbs in a really good school district and years later celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary. I watched it on DVD, but you can watch it at Youtube. Here's the link, but you'll have to sign up and tell them you're old enough to watch it. Why? I'm not sure considering there's very little blood, no foul language, no nudity, and very few moonbeasts.


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