Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Dragon Crusaders

Unconvincing Knights Templars board a unconvincingly cursed ship as unconvincing pirates rise from the unconvincing dead and unconvincing dragons unconvincingly attack in this helicopter-free Asylum film. There's unconvincing CGI gargoyles, dragons, and sorcery in this strangely bloodless movie, and I wish I could break down the plot for you but it doesn't make a lot of sense. You can tell the pirates have risen from the dead because they have a case of the Crazy-Eyes, but nothing else would really give you a clue. People speak in unconvincing gibberish, unconvincingly look at things in the distance and scream, and unconvincingly transform into gargoyles, which is odd because this movies is supposed to be about dragons. Just when you think these Welsh sort-of-dragony high-jinks couldn't become sillier, someone invents the Holy Hand Grenade Of Antioch and you almost expect someone to bang coconut shells together.

They don't, unfortunately. However, swords clank together, people do somersaults, and wear relatively useless chain-mail; so there's that. Dragon Crusaders is the Birdemic of 12th century Knights Templar gargoyle movies.

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