Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Fangs Of The Living Dead

A model becomes the owner of a castle and a countess all in one day thanks to the estate of a family she never met, and this never once causes her any sort of concern; but in all fairness, this movie was shot before the internet age and Nigerian spam. So she travels to the town where her brand new castle is, orders a beer in a bar, announces she's the new countess, and all the townsfolk recoil in horror as if she just announced she's going to appear in a vampire film that doesn't have many vampires in it. She heads over to the castle where she meets her suspiciously-cold-to-the-touch uncle, and they head down to the crypt because it's in the script and very, very believable that she'd do that. She writes her dead father's name on one of the crypts in lipstick as an abrupt sort of dedication, and that doesn't seem weird at all. I guess she didn't have a Sharpie handy to desecrate one of her supposed ancestor's grave within the first five minutes she's in her brand new creepy castle, and that seems to just barely make the uncle mad.

As the countess is sleeping, a busty visitor walks into her room to thicken the plot, and by "thicken the plot" I really mean, "climb into the sack with her and stroke her hair because that's how European vampires say Hello".

This turn of events vaguely annoys the uncle, so he chains the busty vampire up in the crypt to give her a good whipping, and the countess states that she's "allergic to castles" and I'm not sure what that means exactly. In an explanatory flashback, a witch is burned at the stake by torch-wielding villagers because of course she is because this is a sort-of vampire flick from the late 60s/early 70s and every movie back then had at least one witch in it. I'm nearly 100% certain that One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, The Conversation, and The Last Picture Show all had a witch burning scene in it, and you should watch them again in case you don't believe me.

Suddenly, the shadow of a poorly manipulated phony bat appears at the window. It's not very good. Then there's the sound of stock werewolf sound effects because of course there are because this film is called Fangs Of The Living Dead and you might as well have a werewolf because there's very few vampires and almost no living dead people, well, at least I don't think so. Then there's a gauzy nightgown-filled romp through the cemetery, and the now vampiric bar maiden climbs out of her grave that seems to have a styrofoam lid. Then someone asks the busty vampire if she's "going to catch a cold in that flimsy dress", and she replies "The cold of the grave runs through my veins", and I think they're possibly serious.

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