Thursday, September 26, 2013

I'm annoyed

Maybe I just have unrealistic expectations, but it seems like the Halloween stuff still hasn't made its way out to the retail sales floors of America. Is it just me? I would be happy with 12 months of Halloween and every square inch of retail space covered in masks and cobwebs and fake blood and Halloween Oreos year-round, but some people wouldn't like that and those people are wrong. It doesn't seem to me like all the awesome Halloween products are out there yet. I haven't seen the Monster Cereals, and I haven't seen the Halloween Pop-Tarts, and we might not see the Pop-Tarts at all which fills me with an irrational rage because I don't really like the flavor of them that much but I have to buy them anyway because they're covered in bat sprinkles. I did see these, though.

What a hideous, squash-filled nightmare. I really don't understand everyone's fascination with pumpkin flavored items. Pumpkins are poisonous and inedible, and are only good for carving into jack-o-lanterns. And don't get me started on the Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte. Whose idea was that? I can imagine the coffee chefs at Starbucks round-tabling the idea, "Hey, you know what would really liven up our coffee? Vegetables". 

It's absolutely sickening. Every year at Thanksgiving, my family has about a million pumpkin pies, and they're revolting. I am inexplicably allowed one chocolate pie. No one touches the nasty pumpkin pies, but eats my chocolate pie, and then I stomp around in a rage screaming at everyone to stop eating my chocolate pie essentially ruining Thanksgiving which isn't very hard because Thanksgiving is kind of a terrible holiday. It's pretty much just sports and pumpkin, and we somehow dedicate an entire day to one meal. I mean, if you eat delicious stuff year round, what's the point of Thanksgiving? You can make stuffing and potatoes any time. You can get a turkey sub at nearly every deli in every city every day. I just don't get it. Cranberry sauce is available year-round. You can acquire a can on the Fourth Of July if you wanted to, but no one ever does. Anyway, that's Thanksgiving at Deathrage Towers, and then it's a downhill slide towards the inevitability of that other terrible holiday with the fat guy in the red suit. The only plus side of THAT awful holiday is fewer pumpkin pies.

Anyway, I've started watching the classic Universal Monsters films to try to get me into the Halloween spirit. 

I've seen them about a million times, and I don't have a lot more to say about them. Boris Karloff is pretty spooky covered in dust and dragging ancient wrappings behind him, but he's only the Mummy for a few minutes. Lon Chaney, Jr. creeps on some poor chick as he watches her undress through his telescope, then he gets bitten by a dog. Both movies are pretty great, and you should watch them this holiday season because they're on Netflix.

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