Saturday, October 25, 2014

Frankenstein/Bride Of Frankenstein/Honey Badger: Masters Of Mayhem

This has been a rather disappointing Halloween season. I haven't watched enough monster movies. To save on time, I'm going to have to cram together 3 monster movie reviews. Hold on tight.

In case you're unsure of the plot of Frankenstein, let me break it down for you. A scientist decides to put his wedding on hold so he can build himself a man. A very big man. So the scientist and his adoring hunchback pal rummage through graveyards finding just the right parts, give the resulting chucks the juice, and run for cover as the scientist's new play date runs amuck through the countryside. The pitchfork-wielding villagers chase the creature through the forest, torches ablaze, because pitchfork-wielding villagers are often incited by shouting burgomasters, aquatic daisy-filled child murder, aggressive torch waving, and authentic frontier gibberish.

The villagers trap the creature in a windmill, and since they obviously weren't using the mill for anything other than the milling of wheat and creature harboring, they burn it to the ground, apparently killing the monster and any hope for a sequel.

Una O'Connor stars in this sequel to Frankenstein in a delicate, understated performance.

Dr. Frankenstein still manages to avoid marriage, this time spending the bulk of his time sweating over test tubes filled with seed with Dr. Pretorius, whose very presence drives women from rooms and beds.

The creature has escaped a fiery death in the windmill, and has been roaming the countryside bumming bread, soup, booze and smokes from frisky hermits.

The creature, still jonesing for a butt, stumbles upon Dr. Pretorius, who's been rummaging through caskets looking for firm bones.

Some other stuff happens, and the Bride and the Creature meet cute.

Then I think there's a musical number.

It's very easy to survive a run in with Frankenstein's Monster. Just don't run, scream, throw cabbages, or criticize his dance routine. Speaking of running and screaming, I saved the most horrifying film for last.

I'm not really certain, but I think something is wrong with this beaver.

Scarier than Frankenstein, the Honey Badger has long claws, sharp teeth, and can climb trees. It can burrow deep under ground. It can open doors, windows, and gates. It can use tools. It has an anal gland which produces a malodorous scent like a skunk. It can withstand porcupine quills, bee stings, and animal bites. It picks fights with much larger animals, like hyenas, lions, humans, and rhinos, just to bite them in the testicles. They seem to enjoy digging up corpses, and they carry rabies. Honestly, if Frankenstein's Monster and a honey badger decided to climb through my window, I'd knock Ol' Frank aside to get out of the way of the fiendish honey badger.

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