Thursday, June 13, 2013

Jack The Giant Killer

A guy climbs a beanstalk and battles giant monsters in this Asylum film. Let's just say for instance that your over-protective adoptive parents keep some secretive magic beans from you but they get planted  anyway and a huge beanstalk grows into the sky to an unknown realm which is where unknown realms  usually are, you know, in the clouds sort of; and you decide to check it out which seems reasonable...wouldn't you at least bring some supplies, you know, like weapons or at least some granola bars?

No? OK, then.

I realize that after you unconvincingly gave your jacket to a woman who was unconvincingly attacked by unconvincing CGI beanstalk vines, wouldn't you at least bring try to get back your anachronistic leather racing jacket because it might get a little nippy in the magical cloud realm, or would you have the foresight that you would meet your father and get to wear matching Yeti Snuggies? That seems a little unlikely.

Speaking of anachronisms, there are a bunch of them in Jack The Giant Killer; like the required Asylum helicopter scene at the 33-minute mark, or the modern cars driving by in the distance, or the omni-present UK video cameras which I don't think existed in the weird sort of 1940s era Jack The Giant Killer is supposedly set in. But let's be honest, there's bigger fish to fry in Jack The Giant Killer; because there's a cloud chick unconvincingly riding an unconvincing 6-eyed cloud monster, a flying castle that runs on an ice-cream scoop of coal, an unconvincing cardboard Transformer, and the fact that a majority of the movie involves the cast looking concerned either into or slightly past the camera.

No comments:

Post a Comment