Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Movie 43

Wikipedia has a page called "The List Of Films Considered The Worst Ever", and of course I had to make sure. They did not consult me, and they should have. I'm not convinced Wikipedia knows every film considered the worst ever, because Malibu Beach Vampires is not listed. If you haven't seen Malibu Beach Vampires, you absolutely must.

Malibu Beach Vampires is the second worst movie I've ever seen, right behind Birdemic: Shock And Terror.

Anyway, watching Malibu Beach Vampires makes you take stock of your life choices up to that point, including the decision to watch Malibu Beach Vampires. It makes you reconsider every film you've ever seen. You can no longer trust your instincts. What is "good" and what is "bad"? Your scale becomes distorted. You've climbed down the Bad Movie Rabbit Hole, and the hole is deep. It's so deep, in fact, that if you stood on the precipice of the Bad Movie Rabbit Hole and dropped in a pebble to gauge its depth, you may never hear that stone hit the bottom. The stone would crash into Movie 43 at the very top of the Bad Movie Rabbit Hole, smash into Sharknado somewhere in the middle, continue gathering speed and hitting most of the films by Ed Wood, Andy Milligan, and Doris Wishman near the bottom, and then striking Malibu Beach Vampires and Birdemic at the Earth's core.

What can I say about Movie 43? It's awful, but in the Bad Movie Rabbit Hole it isn't so bad. Movie 43 is what would happen if someone loaded a slow-moving ship with about a million Oscar winners and nominees and set it on a course to strike another slow-moving ship loaded with about a million up-and-coming future superstars. There is no way to alter the course of the ships, and everyone on board is clutching their Oscars, Golden Globes, and MTV Movie Awards. They slowly careen into one another and the ships begin to sink. In a futile effort to avoid drowning, the actors jettison their shiny awards into the ocean, say the word "poop" a lot, and use their enormous prosthetic breasts to make guacamole because that's fine. They all drown anyway. It's a sad and regretful situation.

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