Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Hammer House Of Horror: The House That Bled To Death

A family moves into a stigmatized property in this made-for-TV movie. So an old man poisons his wife with a cup of cocoa as she knits, then cuts up her body off camera with a curved sword that he just happens to have handy as decoration on the wall. I'm not entirely certain why he is suddenly fed up with her, but I would have to assume that if you're married to someone for nearly a thousand years and they have a couple of rusty swords dangling on the wall, that might be considered a red flag and you probably shouldn't drink any cocoa they suddenly whip up. Heck, I don't know those people, but I certainly wouldn't take a cup of cocoa from that dude. I mean, he owns rusty curved swords as the only decoration in his entire house. Maybe that's just me.

Sometime later, a couple decides to move into the house without even looking at the inside, but they don't seem to make a lot of good decisions as they leave their daughter chilling in the car because it's the late 1970s. After they move in, the daughter unpacks a creepy doll, and sure enough, the paranormal starts happening almost immediately and it's in the script. The house starts to mildly drip blood, and I guess that's why the real estate agent called it a 'fixer-upper' even though it looks like a meth lab. The curved sword inexplicably reappears because it's in the script, and someone claims they're going to collapse under the weight of a couple of folded blankets and she almost believes it. Then the other sword appears, some bad wallpaper appears, and someone is frightened by a set of dentures.

The family throws a birthday party and invites a bunch of kids dressed suspiciously in white, someone serves kids Liquorice AllSorts, and I have to ask myself, "Who the heck serves kids Liquorice AllSorts?"

You know, that's probably not a bad idea, really. Serve the kids the gross black and pink candy, then while they're outside vomiting from eating Liquorice AllSorts, you can gorge yourself on birthday cake. Maybe I'll do that next time in the very unlikely event I'm invited to England or a birthday party or anywhere.

You know, I probably shouldn't malign Liquorice AllSorts like that. Allow me to rephrase: Liquorice AllSorts are slightly better than poisoned cocoa. But only slightly.

Anyway, the partygoers get drenched by blood pouring out of a broken water pipe and it's unintentionally hilarious. Then the movie derails and ends after a dip in the pool.

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