Tuesday, July 16, 2013


A 36-foot crocodile is on the loose in this Chinese crocodile-on-the-loose film. I'm not going to try to hide it, but I was honestly disappointed that Croczilla was a merely-larger-than-average crocodile-on-the-loose movie, and not a loony Asylum-esque crocodile-Godzilla-hybrid-on-the-loose movie, which would be pretty interesting. Sadly, Croczilla isn't especially interesting. People shriek a lot, and run around a lot, and unconvincingly throw nets over one another for comedic effect, and crash motorscooters, and engage in some half-hearted crocodile-based slapstick, and that's not what I was really looking for. I wanted to see a 30-story-tall atomic monster with a crocodile head knock over some buildings; and if there was a tornado in it, that would be even better.

I'm still quite upset that I missed Sharknado, because I'm certain that Sharknado is going to be the best movie ever and my life is empty and pointless until I watch it.

OMG. Someone should combine Croczilla with Sharknado!


Yeah, that's the stuff. As you can see, I coerced the art department at Deathrage Industries to shove all other projects aside and combine the best elements of Sharknado and Croczilla into one awesome thing that should exist, and when they refused I shoved them all down the elevator shaft and did it myself.

By the way, I now have several positions available in the art department at Deathrage Industries.

It's a promo shot of Sharknado I found from the internets, only I crudely cut-and-pasted a picture of Godzilla over the shark in the tornado, and then cut-and-pasted a shot of a crocodile over Godzilla. It's genius, and I'm ready for all the m'f'n movie checks to start pouring in.

It'll be epic, and by "it" I mean both the movie and the checks.

Yeah, they changed the name of the film from Million Dollar Crocodile to Croczilla because obviously I wouldn't watch a movie called Million Dollar Crocodile.

No, I'm lying. I probably would.

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