Friday, August 23, 2013

Fall Of The House Of Usher

I've just called off work today due to my horoscope, and by "called off" I mean I mass-texted downstairs to my staff and told them to "Get bent, I've got a horoscope-induce ague and I'm not leaving the penthouse". I don't believe in horoscopes, but it's better to be safe than sorry. I'm a little alarmed at how unusually specific it was. It said, 'Now is a good time to stay somewhere safe, you can venture out later'. OK Yahoo, you don't have to tell me twice.

What the heck is that supposed to mean, anyway? I don't normally take much stock in these things; because if we can be honest for a minute, Yahoo isn't exactly known for the quality of its news gathering. Two of Yahoo's top stories were "5 Things That Taste Better Fried" and "Baby From India Has Second Head Removed" which sounds simultaneously tragic, obvious, confusing, and delicious.

So what does that horoscope mean? Is a comet heading this way? Is a super-villain on the loose? Should I stay on the couch and eat snack cakes?

Yeah, that's what I'll do. I will not go to work and I'll sit here for the next week or so and eat snack cakes and see if I can fashion some sort of anti-comet helmet out of the empty snack cake boxes to protect me. My horoscope said I should.

Anyway, I fell asleep in front of The Fall Of The House Of Usher last night. It's a French silent film with Italian subtitles, so I had no idea what was happening anyway. There was a creepy Expressionistic castle, rising mist from a moat, curtains ominously blowing in the breeze, skeletal trees clawing at the sky, several candelabras, a graveyard, and some pale, sickly chick who kept swooning on a chaise lounge. That chick has the right idea, because she probably read the same horoscope I did. Pass the snack cakes.

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