Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Zipper: Coney Island's Last Wild Ride

Really, I don't understand what the big deal about Coney Island is. Sure, it has its problems, but nothing that a good bulldozing couldn't fix. In all fairness, I've never been there. But I've been to malls before, and cheap residential housing, and they're both awfully nice. Who wouldn't want a nice square boring box of apartments on the beach? No one. Who wouldn't want a bland contemporary shopping mall built over the boardwalk? No one, because there's a mall with an Abercrombie and Fitch and a Taco Bell in every town in America, and New York needs to get with the program.

People don't like old-timey rides and amusements like the Zipper (although attendance to Coney Island was steadily rising until the razing began in 2007).

People like William-Sonoma.

Go ahead an be honest with yourself. You would much rather shop at William-Sonoma for a $500 wine fridge than ride the Zipper, although both were designed to shake change out of your pockets.

People don't like tattoo parlors and sideshows.

They like Applebee's.

Because people from all over the world travel to New York to experience a fiery taste sensation, and that describes both a Coney Island side-show fire-eating act and Applebee's Fiesta Lime Chicken (The Fiesta Lime Chicken has tortilla strips! Take that, one-of-a-kind side-show act you'd be hard-pressed to experience anywhere else).

So knock down Coney Island and build a mall by the seashore. It's what everyone wants, and by "everyone" I mean "billion dollar real estate development and investment firms" and that's what's really important.

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