Friday, November 21, 2014

Bermuda Tentacles

Air Force One is struck by unconvincing lightning a couple of times because why not while flying through the Bermuda Triangle because the President Of The United States needed to do some important Bermuda Triangle-related President stuff which seems pretty likely, then he's ejected at sea in a super-sciency Presidential Escape Pod in this SyFy Channel/Asylum movie. Suddenly, the warships sent to rescue the Prez is attacked by poorly rendered giant hissing tentacles that have tentacles on the end of them because why not, which according to star Linda Hamilton, don't 'seem hostile, but do seem angry', which then unconvincingly stab several sailors in the chest causing them to unconvincingly dribble blood out of their mouths. Of course, a renegade soldier goes against the orders of Admiral Linda Hamilton because it's in the script, as Jamie Kennedy snapchats some of the tentacles which strangely seem to change in size and follow him through the bowels of the ship because of course they do. Some other stuff happens, and the experimental rescue sub sent to rescue the Prez finds itself in an unconvincing and slightly sphinctery underwater cavern, and the cast decides to bring up the fact this is all happening in the Bermuda Triangle because it was barely mentioned about an hour ago. A flying ball causes a soldier to liquify, and it's suddenly revealed that the tentacles are attached to a giant hovering starfish that looks a little like this:

...only worse and Aquaman is nowhere to be found. Suddenly, Cape Hatteras and its 20,000 snapchatting sunbathers is destroyed by the hovering semi-mechanical starfish, and the prerequisite Asylum helicopter vs. tentacle scene happens and not a moment too soon. Then the movie ends, and not a moment too soon. 

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