Tuesday, November 18, 2014

The Witch With Flying Head

I really hate using valuable blog-space to comment about something as mundane as the weather, but darn it, it's cold.

I've spent most of the morning trying to decide if I should send someone to the grocery store. The cupboards are full of food, but I ate all the cookies yesterday, so it's of the utmost importance that someone goes to the grocery store to replace them with a cake. I would send Personal Shopper, or Driver, or Executive Assistant, or one of my many interns, but I think I possibly overheard one of my employees speaking about me in a hushed tone near the watercooler which is rigged with microphones and video cameras to overhear hushed conversations about me, and I'm nearly certain they said something to the effect of, "Well that's just the way Stabford is", and while that's certainly true, it annoys me in some vague and paranoid way, and I fired everyone, and by "fired" I mean I placed a poorly-scribbled sign reading "Free cookies!" on the back of the empty elevator shaft and shoved everyone in and now we're out of cookies and it's too cold to go get more.

After a brief inventory, I've discovered I have half a jar of cookie butter.

Cookie butter is pretty awesome, but it'll last about 6 seconds as I eat it straight out of the jar with a spoon over the sink. And now it's gone too, so I still have to send someone to get more cookies. I wish I knew of some way that I could somehow get to the grocery store to get some more cookies or cakes or pies or brownies slathered in cookie butter, if that's a thing that exists, but I have no idea how to do that. It would be pretty cool if I could fly, but unfortunately, I think I shoved Helicopter Pilot down the elevator shaft, too.

Anyway, speaking of brownies slathered in cookie butter and topped with more cookies, I watched The Witch With Flying Head. It took me two and a half weeks.

A disembodied, floating head with a set of lower fangs and dangling, exposed internal organs flies about at night killing people in this Shaw Brothers film. Featuring extravagant period costumes and complicated headwear, someone pukes a bowl full of snakes, someone wears a silver swastika on their chest, and someone does a bunch of somersaults. There's crazy acupuncture with a pencil-thick needle that causes poison to drip out of someone, and someone shoots laser beams from their mouth. It's all very confusing and fantastic if you like to watch hovering vampiric heads with gooey, dangly organs pulsating in a sickening manner, and who doesn't, so it's highly recommended if you like stuff that sucks.

There doesn't seem to be a trailer for The Witch With Flying Head, but I did find a recipe for homemade cookie butter. I'll have to do a quick inventory, but I'm pretty sure I'm still out of cookies, and I think I fired both Cook and Pastry Chef.


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