Saturday, November 29, 2014


According to IMDB, an outlaw smuggler and her alien companion are recruited by the Emperor of the Galaxy to rescue his son and destroy a secret weapon by the evil Count Zarth Arn, and I suppose that's what happened, but I can't be sure. Some future guys dressed as a motorcycle gang are aboard a miniature space ship when they're attacked by the contents of a lava lamp, then they stagger around holding their helmeted heads, something explodes, and the credits roll. Then Caroline Munro wears blue eyeshadow and puts on a space helmet that looks like a giant bong as someone else says the phrase "Red hot potatoes!" which I can only assume is a common catchphrase in the future in outer space. After some wooden acting, awkward dubbing, and abrupt editing, a heavily lip-glossed Caroline Munro is forced to do some hard labor carrying orbs or radium while wearing a patent leather bikini, and Christopher Plummer delivers some Shatneresque dialogue but doesn't seem to believe it while wearing a gold lame cape. Caroline Muro delivers some unconvincing karate chops as the camera crew is reflected in the windows of the unconvincing lander, and then she unconvincingly battles a giant crudely-stop-motion-animated sword-wielding female robot, and for several minutes I wonder to myself why a giant metal robot would need bosoms. During an outer space battle, everyone seems to shout dialogue while in closeup because that's the only way anyone will ever know you were just in an outer space battle because you rarely ever see it onscreen. Finally, the film is livened up by laser beams, eye laser beams, hand laser beams, various explosions, unconvincing heroine defrosting, and speaking of frosting, Marjoe Gorners' 70s perm, and I finally realize that everyone is dressed like Klaus Nomi.

Suddenly, David Hasselhoff appears and not a moment too soon, although I'm not entirely certain why, and then more outer space battles occur, and the strings on the miniature spaceships can be seen. For some reason, golden space torpedoes filled to the brim with helmeted spacemen carrying laser rifles are launched, and much like the appearance of David Hasselhoff, I'm not certain why. 

Anyway, Starcrash has some not-so-special special effects and a difficult to follow storyline if you're easily distracted by seemingly useless robot bosoms, it's very reminiscent of another iconic outer space adventure filled with lightsabers that I can't quite recall, and it's recommended if you like stuff that sucks.

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