Tuesday, April 12, 2011
The Beast Of Yucca Flats: Terrible Movies #99
The film opens with someone getting strangled. We don't really know why, because it's so out of continuity. You're just supposed to take it for granted. It's something that just happens, and the movie never brings it up again. But we don't know that yet. Why? Because the strangler, Tor Johnson, ex-wrestling star of Plan 9 From Outer Space, widely considered the worst film ever made (BTW, it isn't), hasn't been exposed to radiation from the stock footage of an atomic bomb blast that turns him into the Beast Of Yucca Flats yet. Yeah, so that happens, and his briefcase catches on fire, and you suddenly realized that no one is talking except for this never ending narration. And you realize that the actors are filmed from far away, or their faces are blocked, or the shot is framed in such a way so that you rarely see anyone talk. And the narration says stuff like, "Touch a button. Things happen.", or "Trouble Up The Road. Murder.", or "A woman's purse.". Anyway, a woman sitting in her Volkswagon smoking gets strangled, and you think to yourself, "How plausible is it that she never noticed a gigantic radiation scarred ex-wrestler with a penchant for strangling just climbed in her Beetle without her realizing it? I mean, how completely absorbed in the act of smoking do you have to be to not notice THAT?", but it doesn't matter. Not a lot happens other than people driving cars or climbing rocks, and you start to think this movie is a lot like watching a really boring silent home movie of someone's crappy vacation with Tor Johnson. There are numerous continuity errors, haphazard editing, someone's thumb is visible in the upper left-hand corner of the shot at one point, and nearly everyone stares off into the distance even if they're in a closed room. Is this movie taking place in the desert or the forest? No one knows. There's some unconvincing plane footage, some unconvincing parachute footage, and some unconvincing Tor Johnson footage where he's kissing a rabbit. I'm going out on a limb here but this is possibly the very worst movie I have ever seen, beating out Manos, The Hands Of Fate, Troll 2, Double Agent 73, and You've Got Mail. I watched it on the DVD set 50 Horror Classics, and you can watch the entire 53 minute film for free at Youtube, but you probably shouldn't.